Joy's words...

A heap-load of patience, Lord... please.

2012-01-27T08:36:00.000-08:00

Single parenting at it's best is tough. It's not easy being the only adult in the house... not having another person to support, bounce ideas off of, relax with, give instruction. As a mom, my job is never done. There is always another question to be answered, always guidance to be given, always support, unconditional love and encouragement. I want my children to know that they are good enough - just.as.they.are.

Single parenting at it's worst? Let me offer an example.

My 10 year old daughter comes into my room this morning. "Mom? Does my hair look greasy?"
She has brushed it, pulled it back into a low pony and has a look in her eyes that says, "please say no".
I said, "not at all... why sweets?"

She pauses... "dad said I have really greasy hair and said I have to shower before I come to his house".

my.heart.stops.

Are you KIDDING me? My fragile, beautiful, insecure, delightful TEN YEAR OLD daughter is being told by the man who is supposed to love her without compromise or condition, that her appearance isn't adequate and she needs to do something about it.

I look at her and tell her that she looks just gorgeous and she says "okay" in a voice that says "I don't believe you, but thanks for the effort" and she goes about her routine.

I'm left sitting here, fuming and indignant at the man who has the NERVE to make my daughter feel like she's less than perfect (based on her APPEARANCE) and my "mama bear" thoughts are running rampant. I don't know the answer. I don't know how to restore my daughter's heart but to beg the God of the Universe to intervene and show her Love that covers all, renews all and unabashedly pours out on her just.as.she.is. Oh, and while you're at it, Lord? Remind me. I know her hurt and have felt that inadequacy myself and still need a nudge now and then to lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains, from whom my help comes.

Lord, hear my prayer... wrap my daughter's heart in Your hands and cover her in Your cloak. Allow Your truth to permeate her wounded heart and give her the strength to look to You for her approval, and not toward empty, earthly approval. Give me strength to do the same... and grant me patience and wisdom when it comes to her father. I cannot function in my own strength on this one. Speak to his heart - remind him of his job as a father... encourage him to realize, before it's too late, that he is to show her Your love. Your all consuming, unconditional, freely given, abundant love. Guide me as a parent - I want my children to be whole, happy, fulfilled and free.
In Your great name...

...there's a change a'comin'...

2011-12-15T19:32:00.001-08:00

What's this? Movement and action on this stagnant blog site? Craziness. :)2012 is a new year... a time of renewing, and a time to begin again - with intention... with purpose... with vision. I don't know where I'm going... I don't know what I'm going to say. It might not be terribly profound, so bear with me. What I do hope is that my thoughts give way to change... in my own life, and for me personally. God has faithfully brought me so very far in this journey of mine... and He's not done with me yet. I was created with a purpose... I mean to know fully what that is and live in it... isn't that a novel idea? So, if you're one who follows the diatribes I type, I'm hoping to start collecting thoughts here come January. Get this... I might actually attempt to blog once a week!! If nothing else, it's good practice for me - a release of sorts. So, off we go! See you in January...

A new outlook for a new year...

2010-01-13T07:57:00.000-08:00

Well... shocking that I even remembered this website and that I'm POSTING again! :) It's been far too long, but all I can say is that I've been busy... really, really busy.
However, I'm hoping to remedy that. I can't guarantee that I'll be blogging on a weekly basis, but I do hope to put my thoughts down far more often than I have... 9 months is TOO long!

So, I was driving in my car this morning, heading to the college when a Nickelback song came on. I know, I know... Nickelback?! I must admit, I enjoy blasting them in my car from time to time... onward.
These words struck me... "... each day's a gift and not a given right". Huh? Seriously... do I live my life with the premise that it's not my right to live and experience, but a gift? I had considered abolishing any form of a New Year's resolution, simply because quite frankly, I never stick with them. Sad, I know. But the reality is that within two weeks I'm doing or saying everything I resolved not to!
But this... living every day like it's a gift and not a given? Oh, I think I can do that. I mean, I think I can TRY that. Because my life IS a gift. The privilege of waking up every day, loving the two little people in my house, having the friends I have and the opportunities I'm presented with... these things are gifts. Treasures.

My friend Barbara posted this fantastic song a few weeks ago and I think, along with my new 2010 motto, this song is my theme for the year. It's brilliant and speaks the words I want to resonate in my life this year.

God, may I wake every morning with a grateful heart... grateful for the life You allow me to live, grateful for the love I get to experience, grateful for the chance to grow, learn and be who You created me to be. Help me to never lose sight of that... and of the awe that comes with every new day. May You find honor in me and be blessed in my life.

Profound Love...

2009-04-07T09:04:00.000-07:00

This was a brilliant video we watched at our ladies' retreat this past weekend. I needed to hear it... and I wanted to share it, because I'm quite sure you need to know, especially this week, just how much He.loves.YOU.

But I'm so tired...

2009-03-23T19:22:00.000-07:00

I know it's said that "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger", but I'm feeling pretty defeated these days. It has been 2 1/2 years since my husband left our home - our family, our kids, me - and although he has filed for divorce (21 months ago), we have yet to settle certain things. I'm so weary of the fight. If this were only about me, I would have given in and given up so long ago. But this isn't about me. I don't have the luxury of being single-minded in this situation. I have two very lovely, very beautiful, very smart, very wonderful children who are dependant on me. They need me to be fierce. They need me to provide for them, and to ensure that they will be provided for, from this point on.
But I'm so tired.
I struggled for 14 months with a health issue that, quite literally, drained me. Not only was I in fear of what might be wrong, I was struggling with the sheer physical drain on my entire being. I was sent to a specialist who made me feel like there was nothing the matter, and that the problem was entirely superficial. I felt like my issue wasn't important, and that it was completely within my grasp to fix what was going wrong. I'm happy to say that I have seen a second specialist, been diagnosed, been treated and am no longer experiencing that problem. God is good.
But I'm so tired.
I was, up until January of this year, a full time student, fulfilling a commitment to the Workplace Safety and Insurance Board (WSIB) to be retrained as I am unable to return to the job I had when I was permanently injured. My teachers, and my doctor, saw the need for me to take a stress leave. I have to say, this was a humiliating thing for me to accept. I needed to be the one who had it all together. I didn't want it to be known that I was falling apart... literally feeling like I was being ripped in a dozen different directions and feeling like I didn't know which way was up. I knew I needed WSIB's approval, and discussed the ramifications of my "leave" to great extent with my adjudicator. She assured me that my income through them would not be eliminated, just reduced slightly. I worked out the numbers and was satisfied that I would be able to continue paying the necessary bills and keep food on the table, so I took the leave. Five weeks ago now, I received notice from WSIB that, in actual fact, I was only eligible for $1.36/week. Oh, and not only that, but they overpaid me and I, in fact, owe them $745.00, so they can't pay me until that debt is cleared. So much for a stress leave.
But I'm so tired.
I have, for as long as I can remember, absolutely loved to sing. At the age of 5, my family of 4 sang together, acapella, and in 4 part harmony. ALL due to my mother's tenacious, determined and disciplined persistance. I am grateful to her for all the times she kept me practicing, despite my desire to be anywhere but near that piano! This love of music, of singing, has morphed itself into my walk with God... I kind of think it's what He had in mind when He created me. I can't explain what happens to me when I lift my voice in song. I am drawn to His side. I feel His presence, and that in itself is the most incredible gift. This is what I'm coming to... the point I'm trying to make. I am so tired. I am being fired at, from all angles. I believe that this time, this season, is building my character. I believe that it is strengthening me, changing me, maturing me; but mostly, I believe it's making me draw close to the One who can give me rest. I can't walk this journey alone. I can't make these life-altering decisions on my own. I can't face the man who walked out on me, on my own. My heart can't take it. My mind can't possibly make the decisions that are best for my children. I can't close my eyes at night without giving Him complete control of my life and know... REST in the fact that He knows where this is leading. He knows what is going to happen, and He's going to be beside me, holding me up, strengthening me for what lies ahead. So, despite how I feel... despite the fear, the failure and the floundering... I find myself seated at the piano, shutting out the world and immersing myself in the Presence.

I might be tired, but He's right here.

Isaiah 40:31

31 But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
~KJV

I will lift up my eyes...

2009-03-09T09:32:00.001-07:00

This is where my heart is today. It's been so long since I've blogged and for those of you who look for my little diatribes, I apologize! There is no excuse. Life takes over sometimes and I lose track of the little things that bring me "joy".
I hope you are blessed by this video... more so by the words of the song that lifts my heart today.

I WILL LIFT MY EYES
By Bebo Norman

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near calm my fear and take my doubt
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let mercy sing
her melody over me
and God, right here all I bring
is all of me
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
the Lover I need to save me
'Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
so hold me now

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now

Heard at my house tonight...

2008-10-30T18:41:00.000-07:00

My kids are SO hyper - going to see Nana and Papa tomorrow, so they were granted a 10:00 pm bedtime!

Isabella: Michael, I'm going to pack our things, so let me know what you want to wear!
Michael: I'm taking my eagle shirt and these pants...
Isabella: Oh, that shirt looks SO good on you! Aren't you excited??
Michael: I can't wait!! And Isabella, we'll get to watch a movie in the car and Papa will meet us at the hotel and we'll see Nana and get to hug her!
Isabella: I love them!
Michael: and then we'll see Auntie Beth and Uncle Chip and Andrea and Timothy... I think Timmy likes me best, but that's just because I'm a boy. I'm sure he likes you, too!
Isabella: Oh, I know he loves me... Andrea is my BEST cousin!

See you tomorrow, beautiful family! We (clearly!) can't wait!!!

Thanksgiving

2008-10-10T13:56:00.000-07:00

While the tone of my blogs has been rather morose of late, I'd like to take this opportunity to do a little reflection on the things I'm ever so grateful for....

I am a woman blessed. God saw fit to place me in a family, so rich in heritage; so steeped in His love... blessed me with a sister who ferociously loves and protects me; parents who show discipline, integrity, honor, respect and love. My extended family is a further blessing of rich characters who challenge me, encourage me, love me, and show me, in their own ways, just how remarkable God created them to be.
God is good.
God blessed me in marriage - to a man I didn't fully appreciate until he was gone. A man in whom I saw the potential to be such an instrument of God... and the father to my children.
Yes... children. My children are the blessings I have longed for... for as long as I can remember. They are my angels... gifts from God, who daily teach me things He wants me to learn. They open my eyes to see things I wouldn't be able to see on my own. They drive me to be better; to be more disciplined, more focused... they are my purpose and my desire is to be a mother that will show them God.
God is SO good.
The branches of my family tree reach to encompass the friends in my life. From a best friend who has known me through my teen years and continues to love me and enrich my life; a dear, sister-friend... one who has stood beside me, encouraged me, held me up, supported me, and without words, knows my heart... and a kindred spirit. A lovely friend I don't see as often as I'd like, but who is Diana to my Anne... the lovely, graceful, devoted, dark-haired beauty I look up to and admire.

So many things I am beyond thankful for. Thankful doesn't seem like enough.
Grateful.

Favored.

Satisfied.

"I thank my God every time I remember you."
Phil 1:3

In my head...

2008-10-02T23:34:00.000-07:00

a sleepless night...

2008-10-02T23:00:00.000-07:00

1:57am.
Why am I awake, you ask?
So many reasons... but one very significant and heartbreaking one.
Today is October 3rd. 15 years to the day of my first date with the man I would marry.
We went to Kelseys in Belleville.
I had chicken parmigiana... he had steak. Medium. Fries. Coke.
I still have the sugar packet he used in his coffee after dinner.
This doesn't make today heartbreaking....
that I am seeing my husband today at 2pm, in a court room; he with his lawyer and I with mine.... that is heartbreaking.
How does it come to this?
15 very short years... yet full... lovely, memorable, exciting, sad, difficult, anxious, wonderful years.
But over.
Why?
How?
How do you move forward from this? How do you look at your life and recognize anything? Nothing is familiar. Nothing is as it was or as it should be.
You find yourself on the phone with the man you married... the man you don't recognize any more. You hear him saying "lets just end this... it's dragged on long enough. We should settle things and just move on", and you agree in silence, yet somehow, in the deepest part of you, you're screaming... can't you hear me? I STILL LOVE YOU! It doesn't have to be like this! Our children deserve more than this!

Silence.

Words I can't possibly say. Words I can't bring myself to utter... they wouldn't make a difference anyway.

God,
grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
(Serenity: The quality or state of being serene; clearness and calmness; quietness; stillness; peace.)
the courage to change the things I can,
(Courage: That quality of mind which enables one to encounter danger and difficulties with firmness, or without fear, or fainting of heart; valor; boldness; resolution.)
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
(Wisdom: The quality of being wise; knowledge, and the capacity to make due use of it; knowledge of the best ends and the best means; discernment and judgment; discretion; sagacity; skill; dexterity.)

Isaiah 54:4-17

2008-09-11T05:34:00.000-07:00

My sister recently emailed me and told me that this passage struck her as relevant for me. I read it over (as I have, many times before, I'm sure) and was absolutely floored. I continue to be overwhelmed at how much it applies to me and I'm just trying to grasp at the truth it holds. I have highlighted the things that have jumped out at me most.

4 "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.

Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.

You will forget the shame of your youth

and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
5 For your Maker is your husband—

the LORD Almighty is his name—

the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;

he is called the God of all the earth.
6 The LORD will call you back

as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—

a wife who married young,

only to be rejected," says your God.
7 "For a brief moment I abandoned you,

but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
8 In a surge of anger

I hid my face from you for a moment,

but with everlasting kindness

I will have compassion on you,"

says the LORD your Redeemer.
9 "To me this is like the days of Noah,

when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth.

So now I have sworn not to be angry with you,

never to rebuke you again.
10 Though the mountains be shaken

and the hills be removed,

yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken

nor my covenant of peace be removed,"

says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
11 "O afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,

I will build you with stones of turquoise,

your foundations with sapphires.
12 I will make your battlements of rubies,

your gates of sparkling jewels,

and all your walls of precious stones.
13 All your son(s) will be taught by the LORD,

and great will be your children's peace.
14 In righteousness you will be established:

Tyranny will be far from you;

you will have nothing to fear.

Terror will be far removed;

it will not come near you.
15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;

whoever attacks you will surrender to you.
16 "See, it is I who created the blacksmith

who fans the coals into flame

and forges a weapon fit for its work.

And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc;
17 no weapon forged against you will prevail,

and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.

This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,

and this is their vindication from me,"

declares the LORD.

Raining on the Inside...

2008-07-23T06:49:00.000-07:00

When all goodbyes
Are said and done,
And nighttime finds you home,
Are you all right
To spend a night
Of being all alone?
And do you hide
Between the lines
Of conversations past?
A wall of words,
A heart unheard,
That hides behind a mask?

I'm raining on the inside;
My heart wells up with tears that start to pour.
I'm raining on the inside,
But then your cries of love break through,
And I fall in love with you once more.

When friends who care
Cant be there
To ease away my pain,
And peace of mind,
It's hard to find,
Like sunlight in the rain.
God sees my heart,
The deepest part,
Inside this lonely me,
And reachin in,
His love begins
To heal the heart in me.

I'm raining on the inside;
Oh, my heart wells up with tears that start to pour.
I'm raining on the inside,
But then your cries of love break through,
And I fall in love with you once more.

- Amy Grant

Somehow this day means as much - even though he's gone. How fitting, the rain on the roof and drops on the window as I look back and remember a day just like this... a white dress, friends and family, vows and a kiss.
How sad that it's over.

uncontainable, undeniable, unfathomable.

2008-07-16T22:59:00.000-07:00

There is a verse posted on my blog page - a verse that speaks to me in volumes.
If I let it.
I have a hard time understanding the why.
Why me?
Why love me?

"Because you are precious to me"...

Have I not disappointed You?

"I give you honor and love you"...

Have I not failed You? Hurt You? Broken Your heart?

"I will give other people in your place; I will give other nations to save your life".

I am overwhelmed.
I am sad when I think of all the places I have looked for love; looked for approval from people who were just as damaged as I am. My heart has been torn into pieces and rather than run to the One who is jealous for me and wants only to bless me, love me and complete me in His perfect way, I run away. I run and weep and lament for my empty desire for love that can not sustain me.
Not so with Christ.
His love is tangible and deep.
His love for me is real... He is a jealous God, wanting my affection and my attention. Honoring me and loving me simply for who it is that He created... longing for me to walk forth in His plan for my life.
This is what I run from?
Why am I SO afraid?

So, I sit on my bed, face in my hands and I cry. At first I'm not sure why. The tears continue to fall as my mind reels... spinning in circles around what I know to be true, what I believe to be true and what I long to be true.
I don't want to think I am unworthy, but I do.
I don't want to think I am undeserving of His love, but I do.
I don't want to think I have sabatoged any chance of reconciliation, but I do.
I don't want to believe I have nothing to offer, but I do.
What surprises me is that God uses this moment... this place where I feel so unnecessary. He comes in that moment. He reaches out to me in that place where I feel so alone. His hands take my face and He wipes the tears.
"I love you", whispered in my ear.
This broken vessel, bruised and tired, breathes a sigh and collapses into the waiting arms of the One who loves her.
I will continue to realize how beautiful He is and how deep His love is for me. I have encountered it. I am not blind to it. Days like today make me question it - sadness looms like a rain cloud and swallows the Son for a time, but He remains.
He remains and continues to pour out His love and His blessing in my life.
He seeks me out. He longs for me.
He loves me.
Oh how He loves me.

Today's thoughts...

2008-07-14T16:09:00.000-07:00

Outside my window: the sun is peeking through the leaves of the neighbor's tree as it hovers over their red roof.
I am thinking: procrastination really isn't all that great and I don't have Mary Poppin's magic to help me clean this house!
I am thankful for: a perfect Sunday, with the children I love, a friend I love, a camera, a waterfall and a hike, all topped off with a blue raspberry slushie - BLISS.
From the kitchen: Isabella is working her skills on the microwave, reheating some leftover KD and asking me if I want a chocolate pudding... um, YES!
I am wearing: a brown tank top and cream capri's.
I am creating: memories as I adjust the gorgeous pictures from yesterday using Picnik (it's a GREAT tool)!
I am going: no where tonight. I think there will be baths, some laundry folding and perhaps even a 9:00 bedtime for everyone! Including me!
I am reading: Jane Eyre, Colossians and lovely comments of my pictures on facebook.
I am hoping: to see God's hand in my life as it is. Surely He knows where it's leading.
I am hearing: Michael tell Isabella "that's NOT how you do it"!
Around the house: there are many little things that need doing... motivation, please!!
One of my favorite things: is time with family! July 19th with the Baumans (AND it's my birthday!) and July 27th with the Brownsons. I LOVE my families!
A few plans for the rest of the week: laundry (neverending!), biking, cleaning windows and just enjoying the summer...

A picture thought I am sharing:

"If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Rivers of living water will brim and spill out of the depths of anyone who believes in me this way, just as the Scripture says." John 7:38

What I didn't get to say

2008-07-03T11:33:00.000-07:00

There are very few things in my life that I treasure.
Sure, I'm a packrat - I have the sugar packet that Dean used in his coffee on our first date... I have notes that Amy and I wrote back and forth in highschool... I have the first lock of hair cut from both my children's heads.
These are not things I truly treasure - of the few things that I cherish most, my family is one of the greatest.
You see, I was adopted. I have the sincere privilege of realizing how very different my life could have been. I could have been adopted by anyone. I could have stayed with my birth mother - the possibilities are endless.
God knew.
God blessed my life when he chose the family He did.
I am ever aware of the blessing of a small, intimate family.
Two parents, married 41 years this month - a testament to loyalty and perseverence.
One sister who continues to be my devout supporter and one of my dearest friends.
Beyond this, I have two uncles, two aunts, 5 cousins and so many precious memories of family gathering, meals shared, games played...

I should mention the point of this blog... I had two uncles.
My dear Uncle Omer was diagnosed in December with stage 4 Melanoma - skin cancer. Too far advanced for regular treatment, he was given a very short time to live. We attended a healing service... gathered as a family and surrounded him with our love, prayers and annointing.
He was feeling very well up until the last week of May. His downward spiral didn't last long. My parents, my sister and I went to the hospital on the 22nd of June. This strong, robust bear of an uncle was fading fast. I hugged him as he raised his arms to embrace me... I kissed his cheek and whispered "I love you, Uncle". He told me he loved me too. Our visit was short - his energy was very low. However, we met in the waiting room with the 4 of us, my aunt and my cousin Darla. We prayed together, specifically praying for a private room and within 10 minutes, we were told he was being moved. A man in a private room requested the switch. PRAISE GOD! We had the opportunity to gather around him again, sing as a family and say our goodbyes. I told him I loved him again. I found myself holding back on the things I really wanted to say.
He died the following Tuesday morning and when I got the call, I felt like my world changed. Well, it did.
My uncle meant the world to me.
This was a man who I had known since I could remember. He was the master of the bear hug. The strong, silent man who didn't display emotion or affection, but would wink at me from across the dinner table. He introduced me to turkeys... brought me into the barn where 8,000 turkeys fell silent until he "gobblegobblegobble-d" and they broke out in chorus! He gave a speech at my wedding... I don't remember what he said, but the tears he cried were proof that he loved me back. He was a master craftsman. He built me a curio cabinet for a wedding gift. Just last fall he built me a piano bench - one I will treasure.
His life made an impact on me.
His absence is a hole that will be felt for a very long time.
I know he's in heaven, song-leading an angelic choir in an energetic rendition of "All Hail the Power"... I know I will see him again.
I wish he knew how much his presence meant. I wish he knew how excited I was when our annual family reunion came around. I wish he knew how he lifted my spirits... how his hugs revived me... how much I respected and loved him.
He was a true treasure in my life.

Gratitude today...

2008-06-10T08:32:00.000-07:00

I am humbled.

It's moments like this that I shake my head and think about all the things I am grateful for - and then I think, "how on earth could I complain??"

A family I have never met has been the subject of my fervent prayers for a few weeks now. A lovely couple, married just a year and they wait for the moment when they will lose their beautiful, almost one year old daughter. She was born with multiple heart defects, has had numerous seizures and wasn't expected to live more than a few hours after they pulled her off the machines. That was Friday. She's still here. (http://www.rnbrooks.com/)

Why do I say all this?

I am SO grateful for two very healthy, very vivacious children. I have been blessed.

I am blessed.

I am SO grateful for a roof over my head, an airconditioner in my window, food in my fridge, gas in my car, a CAR, friends who love me, education that is paid for, a phone to connect with friends I don't get to see every day, a friend nearby who has been my constant companion, my confidante, my encourager, my support, my shoulder to cry on, my babysitter, my sounding board... my family.

I am blessed.

Things don't always go the way we plan. Life happens. I'm convinced that the things that happen are God's way of telling us He's more in control than we realize. He knows the plan... He wrote the plan. So today, even if it's just today, I am not going to complain. I am not going to fret. I am not going to worry.

I am going to sit back, watch my son play soccer, kiss my kids goodnight, sit on my friend's couch and watch some tv. And when I go to bed, I'm going to thank God for the blessings. Every last one of them.

Matthew 6:34

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

I.....

2008-05-30T07:23:00.000-07:00

Thanks for this one, Amy. Very thought provoking........

i am: a mother, a daughter, a friend.
i think: there could be so much more.
i know: I am in God's hands.
i want: to have purpose.
i have: a beautiful family.
i wish: I had more patience.
i hate: betrayal.
i miss: Amy.
i fear: more than I care to admit.
i feel: conflicted.
i hear: birds.
i smell: lilacs.
i crave: affection.
i search: for the pieces that fit.
i wonder: if it will change.
i regret: not trusting in my Father's hand of guidance.
i love: kissing my kids.
i ache: constantly.
i care: about the little things.
i always: smile.
i am not: who I want to be.
i believe: in the promise of a new day.
i dance: alone.
i sing: for Him.
i don’t always: do the right thing.
i fight: for others, not for myself.
i write: because it inspires me.
i win: rarely. It feels impossible.
i lose: when I think it's impossible.
i never: understood unconditional until I became a mother.
i confuse: and distort the thoughts in my head.
i listen: to the wind.
i can usually be found: napping.
i am scared: of the dark.
i need: to be reassured.
i am happy about: being a mom.

And you?

In desperate need of a lighthouse.....

2008-05-23T09:46:00.000-07:00

Boating is bliss. Wind in your hair, sun on your face bliss.
There's nothing quite like gliding across a lake of mirrorglass, basking in the creation around you.

Until it's no longer bliss.
Clouds roll in, lightening shatters and thunder cracks.
The once calm water suddenly turbulent and frightening.
All of the sudden, you can't see land... just the biting wind and the torrent of rain that is now falling.
Fear.
Absolute, uncontrollable fear.
There is no reason. There is no logic. All you think is "how will I get out of this? how will I survive??"

This is my storm. This boat is my life. Nothing is familiar to me. This doesn't feel like my boat. I don't recognize anything - I don't know where anything is.
There are rocks ahead. I can't see to dodge them. Everything is dark and nothing can stop the fear that creeps into my heart and lays claim to all I hold dear.
I've thrown myself to the floor, tossed a blanket over my head and hold my breath.
The water is flooding in - there are holes in my boat and it's still raining.
I'm cold. I'm scared. I'm alone.

I know of a lighthouse... of a light SO bright it would illuminate my whole world. I don't remember where it is anymore. I don't remember what direction it is. And while there is comfort in knowing it's out there somewhere, that doesn't help me on this day... in this storm.
Life is getting overwhelming. While I'm still smiling, inside I'm freaking out. Where is the lighthouse? Where's the beam of light that draws me to it and points the way through this storm?

Attitude of "spring" gratitude...

2008-05-07T12:27:00.000-07:00

I am thankful for so many different things, but on this day I am thankful for...
-spring rain - the smell of it, the sound of it pitter-pattering on my windows, the way it's nourishing the seeds my daughter planted...
-cool breezes... thankful that I have a furnace that I can SHUT off and windows I can open for that "just cleaned" fresh air smell
-fruits and veggies - all those lovely delicacies that you can get all year round but start coming in FRESH and local!
-the promise of spring... all the new, green possibilities. New growth, new flowers, new hope, new life...

10 years ago today...

2008-05-04T11:14:00.000-07:00

There is a lump in my throat as I write this blog today.
10 short, wonderful, overwhelming, perfect years ago today, I was contracting around the beautiful boy in my belly. My sister was driving from Toronto to be with me. It was a Monday.
I walked around the neighborhood where we lived. I was WILD with excitement at the thought of this little man who was about to enrich my life beyond anything I could imagine.
You see, I was adopted. I have a loving, wonderful family and have never wanted for anything - but I did always wish someone looked like me. God knew. He sensed the longing in my heart. He blessed me far more than I deserve when He gave me Michael.
The moment he was born, I cried, "he's here! It's Michael! He's here"! I knew he was a boy. I sensed it in my soul. I called him Michael from the moment I knew he was there. I treasured the 9+ months he was with me. I cherished the midnight feedings and the moments in silence when he had fallen asleep and I couldn't get enough of his beautiful face. I cheered him on when he started walking... I encouraged him when he cried the first day of school... I laughed as he told his baby sister about frankencelery and how God is bigger...
My boy is 10 tomorrow. No longer the chubby-cheeked toddler. No longer the babe in need of his mama's touch.
Every day is different. Every moment with my son is a moment I know I will never forget. He has brought me more joy than I can imagine. My heart is full. I am overjoyed. My cup runneth over.

I dedicate the words of this Sara Groves song to the boy who stole my heart and who continues to make me strive to be the mother he needs.

You cannot lose - Sara Groves

You will lose your baby teeth
at times you'll lose your faith in me
you will lose a lot of things
but you cannot lose my love.

You may lose your appetite
your guiding sense of wrong and right
you may lose your will to fight
but you cannot lose my love

You will lose your confidence
in times of trial, your common sense
you may lose your innocence
but you cannot lose my love

Many things can be misplaced
your very memories be erased
no matter what the time or space
you cannot lose my love.

You cannot lose... you cannot lose... you cannot lose my love.

Joy needs... haha!

2008-04-21T12:24:00.001-07:00

Ok, so here are the top ten things I apparently need! OH my but I'm laughing!

1. Joy needs tragedy
2. Joy needs jokes
3. Joy needs to be freed
4. Joy needs a better understanding of the nature of evil
5. Joy needs to leave her office!!!!!!!
6. Joy needs prayer
7. Joy needs some little things
8. Joy needs to spend some serious time in Baghdad
9. Joy still needs $78,000 - AHAHAHAHAHA!
10. Joy needs you

Well, my oh my... haha... isn't that interesting!?

(Funny, mine didn't say I needed a man! Poo!)

Just for fun...

2008-04-20T13:50:00.000-07:00

So, here goes! Learn a little something new about me!

What I was doing 10 years ago:
It was 1998 and I was two weeks away from giving birth to my son, Michael. WOW... can hardly believe it's been 10 years! Yikes! I remember being incredibly excited and could hardly wait for his birth...

Five Snacks I enjoy: (not in any kind of order!)
1. Olives, any variety
2. fruit, all kinds
3. Cheese with crackers
4. Popcorn
5. hummus and pitas

Things I would do if I were a billionaire:
1. Pay off all my bills/debt, and that of my husband
2. Pay bills/debt of my family members and close friends
3. Take a trip with Amy to Aruba
4. Travel some more with Mariah or my kids - lots I want to see!
5. Fix up my house

Five jobs that I have had: (most recent first)
1. Mommy
2. Packer (plant work - waterproof membranes for roofing!)
3. Pool store sales clerk/secretary/sales associate/stocker/gopher/water tester... etc
4. Residential counsellor in a group home for mentally challenged adults
5. Sales clerk in a clothing store

Three of my habits:
1. check email incessantly
2. folding and refolding towels and other closet items
3. singing randomly and constantly

Bad Habits...
1. sleeping in
2. not doing dishes... is that a habit??
3. not recycling... sorry Amy!

Five place I have lived:
1. Sarnia
2. Woodstock
3. Stirling
4. Bancroft
5. Chicago

Five things not many people know about me:
1. I am American
2. I was adopted
3. I love to cook and experiment in the kitchen
4. I wish I had 4 more kids
5. I have a 200+ year old violin - that I still play.

Now you! Your turn! Enjoy!

Heart cry...

2008-04-10T07:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I ask God, my rock-solid God,

"Why did you let me down?

Why am I walking around in tears,

harassed by enemies?"

They're out for the kill, these

tormentors with their obscenities,

Taunting day after day,

"Where is this God of yours?"

Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?

Why are you crying the blues?

Fix my eyes on God—

soon I'll be praising again.

He puts a smile on my face.

He's my God.

~Psalm 41:9-11

The Message

Giggle of the day...

2008-04-07T17:33:00.000-07:00

Questions posed to my kids: (Michael is nine, Isabella is 6)

Why did God make mothers?
So they could have babies.
So they could visit with their friends.

How did God make mothers?
With His magic.
With skin.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
Heart, stomach, blood, bones and veins.
Plastic

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
Because He knew you were the right one for us.
(You're SO right, Michael!)

What kind of little girl was your mom?
Vegetarian
She was "Joy".

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
She needed to ask God if he was the right one for her.
She had to pray for him.

Why did your mom marry your dad?
Because God told her he was the right one, right after she prayed.
Because she loved him.

Who's the boss at your house?
MOM - what's the point of that question???
MOM

What's the difference between moms and dads?
They are male and female... different parts.
Mom's have babies - boys can't.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
Study or work on the computer.
Read.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
If she would let me do anything I wanted!
If she put make-up on!

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
Um, no offense, mom... but maybe if you got thinner?? (HAHAHAHAHA... )
Her hair.

My kids make me laugh on a daily basis! I am so glad they're mine!

Heard over breakfast...

2008-04-05T14:00:00.001-07:00

We had breakfast today, at my good friend's house. Mmmm... chocolate chip pancakes and bacon!
Isabella was sitting at the table with my friend, telling her how she's "reborn".
I sat down and my friend says, "reborn, huh?"
I look at Isabella and she says, "yes! When you ask Jesus to come into your heart, you get to be born all over again! Right mom?"
I say, "YES, that's right, Isabella!"
Isabella looks at my friend and says, "it's that easy! You should get born!"
(I'm giggling now - my friend is not "born all over again".)
My friend says, "I don't talk to God much, these days".
Isabella, not to be swayed, says, "Well, He's listening! Being born all over again is SO great! You should just ask Him and then you'll be all born over again and we can be friends forever!"

(a sniff and a giggle... loving my daughter SO much in that moment!)

Am I the only one?

2008-03-31T19:50:00.000-07:00

I got inspired when I read my friend Holly's blog, so here goes...

Am I the only one who...

* LOVES the rain... the sound of it on the window, the feel of it on my skin, the smell of the air after it...
* knows every word of every line in Anne of Green Gables and still cries everytime Matthew collapses in the field and holds my breath as Gilbert walks towards Anne at sunset...
* can't listen to "Just give me Jesus" without weeping.
* climbs into my kids bed once they're asleep just so I can smell their hair and kiss their ears...
* finds something about every single day that reminds me of my dearest friend..
* remembers that fluttery feeling in the belly when the boy you love looks at you...
* cranks "High School Musical" songs and dances around the house with her kids... haha!
* savors a great cup of tea, a moment of quiet and a lavender/vanilla candle glowing in the corner...
* can quote Shakespeare and get teary reading Sonnet 116...
* can get lost in worship for hours... playing the piano, singing, listening, basking in the presence of my God...

This was fun! I can't wait to read your comments and posts! :)

A new look...

2008-03-30T17:53:00.000-07:00

Well, after a whirlwind weekend (driving from Sarnia to Whitby, Whitby to Belleville, Belleville to Sarnia) in 24 hours, I have Amy's couches! My old couches have left the building (one resides on the front porch - yes, I am one of those people! - and the other is in the garage) and the result is a bigger room, a CLEANER room, and a piece of Amy in my house! :) I'm so excited! Thank you, Amy, for generously giving me your old couches... while they may have seemed old and decrepit to you, they are beautiful to me and they make my home look a little nicer tonight! :)

I love you dearly...

gratitide, gratitude, GRATITUDE!

2008-03-28T12:07:00.000-07:00

This week has been a bit of an "I think I can, I think I can..." week and I'm SO over it! I just want to focus on the good stuff and reflect on how GOOD God has been to me through the storm...

- Smart, beautiful children who look past my faults as a mom and love me in spite of myself. I couldn't ask for more than what they are. I love them to bits and pieces! :)
- WONDERFUL friends who allow me to vent, encourage me when I'm down, love me always, fight with me, and pray for me. I NEED my friends and their presence in my life is a constant blessing.
- SUNSHINE! I love spring... I love the snow we had this morning and the way it's melting everywhere... the crisp breeze, pinching my cheeks and making me smile. I love, love, love this time of year. I love the joy in my children's voices as they rollerblade, play basketball and enjoy outside together. I love the mud on my dog's legs and belly... means everything is melting and it's closer and closer to summer!
- Hand-me-downs! My absolute favorite memory is sitting outside my sister's bedroom door, waiting patiently for her "junk" to be bestowed upon me as "treasure"! I love getting other people's things... that being said, I LOVE that I'm getting Amy's old couches! I love that I get to SEE my best friend tomorrow, HUG her, and spend a few hours in her house and then I get to take her couches home and SIT ON THEM! It will be like having a little piece of Amy in my house always and I like that thought! :)
- I am (strangely) grateful for anger. Now, I know how this sounds. I don't like being angry... I hate being angry. BUT... I am grateful that I am able to be angry. I'm not emotionless... I have feelings. I believe in my worth enough to be angry when I feel like an injustice is occuring. This is a GOOD thing! I'm thankful that I believe in myself enough to be angry when something is wrong. God is continually trying to remind me of my value and worth and every once in a while, I feel it and I believe it.
- I'm thankful for my God... who patiently waits with His hands outstretched, ready to take my load. He's not playing tug-o-war with me... He's just there and waiting for me. WAITING for me. Longing to take over and be my strength when I'm weak. Even though I'm still gripping and I can't quite let go, this is overwhelming to me... and His presence is something I can't live without.

Psalm 13:5-6
I've thrown myself headlong into your arms—
I'm celebrating your rescue.
I'm singing at the top of my lungs,
I'm so full of answered prayers.

The little things that break my heart...

2008-03-25T19:53:00.001-07:00

Today is a normal day.
Nothing different from yesterday... just today. We had dinner, did homework and got ready for bed. Same thing.
I go into my daughter's room to kiss her, pray with her and love her up a little. I look down at her and her chin is quivering...
I say, "sweets, what's wrong?"
She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath as a tear rolls down her face and says...
"I miss my dad."
I kiss her forehead.
I tell her, "I'm sorry honey. I know you miss him. I miss him too. Daddy loves you very much."
"I know, mama."
Oh my darling girl...
These are the moments that break my heart... the moments where I am left shaking my head wondering how on earth he could be away from her - miss out on the bedtime kisses, the hugs, the tickle fights. Wondering how he could go even a day without hearing her 6 year old voice say "I love you daddy!"
I know I couldn't. Not even for a day.

I expected my heart to break... to keep breaking.
I hate that hers is.

"God, I don't want to hate the man who breaks my daughter's heart. Please... I don't need to understand why, I don't even need him to change, I just need to know that YOU hold her... and that you will love her with your Father's heart. And be with the man who is still a part of our family. Watch over him. Guard his heart. Guide his mind. If you will, bring him home. We love him."

10 Questions...

2008-01-06T10:59:00.001-08:00

1. What's one thing you could do this year to increase your enjoyment of God? Spend more time with Him! I think that would increase my enjoyment of Him, greatly!
2. What's the most humanly impossible thing you will ask God to do this year? To give me wisdom to face the day, grace to handle what comes my way and "joy" in my heart, mind and countenance... I wish to live up to my name!
3. What's the single most important thing you could do to improve the quality of your family life this year? I must remember that my children are a GIFT... I want to continue to be surprised by them, proud of them, trust in them and love on them more than ever...
4. In which spiritual discipline do you most want to make progress this year, and what will you do about it? In my worship of Him who sustains me... more than just my times of worship, but my heart of worship, my desire to BE with Him and hear what He has to say to me. I want to learn to shut up and listen... what He has to say is infinitely better than anything that comes out of my mouth...
5. What is the single biggest time-waster in your life, and what will you do about it this year? Sleeping... I would dissolve into sleep and wish my life away in my bed. I want to sleep when I'm meant to, and be UP and involved in my life - I want to spend my time looking for the blessings , rather than focus on the mistakes and heartaches...
6. What is the most helpful new way you could strengthen your church? I want to be present... I want to make attendance important again and I want to be someone that is desiring fellowship. I want to not be afraid to open myself up to new people, new experiences and a new church family.
7. For whose salvation will you pray most fervently this year? I'm going to say my good friend. She has been invaluable to me and her friendship is one of the most important of my life. She has no relationship with God and I continue to pray that He might be revealed in my life and that she will long to know Him and have a relationship with Him.
8. What's the most important way you will, by God's grace, try to make this year different from last year? My attitude. I want my life to reflect the blessings I have been given and to seek the will of the One who knows my path and purpose.
9. What one thing could you do to improve your prayer life this year? Actually PRAY! With my kids, alone, daily and constantly... God has proved that nothing is too small or too big for Him to handle...
10. What single thing that you plan to do this year will matter most in ten years? In eternity? I consider parenting to be my most important and crucial responsibility. As my children grow up and continue to heal , I PRAY most fervently that God will use me to teach them the things they need most... to be honest, unselfish, loving, seeking after God, pure, self controlled and respectful.

Ten answers. Ten questions that have made me think long and hard and reflect on the things that matter in my life, now and to eternity. They have challenged me... I only hope God gives me the strength to abide in Him, trust in Him and allow Him to lead me even when I can't see the path.....

"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
"I'll get you out of any trouble.
I'll give you the best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you....."

Psalm 91 v. 14 &15

the end of 2007...

2007-12-21T10:17:00.000-08:00

This past year has run the gamut of emotions for me. I can honestly say I've experienced everything from sheer joy to wretching heartbreak. It seems I could experience all the emotions in any given week! Through it all, God is faithful and sustains me, despite my complaints.

I have many things to be thankful for, so please bear with me as I go through the list.

1 - I've already mentioned Him, but without God, I would have dissolved into self pity and would not have had the strength to make it through the last 16 months. God is the lifter of my soul... He's the author of my life and though my story is turning out a little different than I had planned, I know He knows what the next chapter holds and I wait with bated breath to see what new and exciting things He has in store.

2 - My children... I know I keep being thankful for them, but they truly are a "joy" in my life and I simply cannot imagine who I would be without them. I LOVE being their mama... I love waking to hear my daughter sing as she's getting ready for school. I love having my son come in my room and say, "good morning, mom. I love you today." My children are lovely. They are strong, energetic, loving kids who daily give me reasons to laugh and cry. We have a blast, we three...

3 - Amy... my dearest friend. I love you more than I could ever express. You encourage me, you challenge me, you support me and you love me. All things I'm not sure I deserve, but all things I can't possibly live without. God knew I needed you. He put you in my life and I am so very grateful for the gift of you. You are beautiful... you are strong... you are someone I wish I was more like. I absolutely love you and can't wait for yet another year of friendship. You mean the world to me.

4 - I am SO very thankful for my education. This past fall I began a two year Social Service Worker program at Lambton College. This education is paid in full by the Workplace Safety and Insurance Board. Had I not been injured at work, I would not be attending and I would not be experiencing the thrill of high marks and a program I absolutely love. I am so blessed to be able to attend college and not pay a single cent out of pocket. My injury has been a trial, but the blessings I have seen come from it are more than I can say. The confidence I have gained in 3 short months has been nothing short of miraculous and I can't wait for the next term!

5 - My family... I can never adequately express how my family blesses me. From my parents and sister, to my cousins and extended members, I have the best family. I appreciate the support, the love and the encouragement I have received from my whole family. I have loved getting to know cousins a little better in this last year and I pray that our bonds continue to grow. I can't imagine what my life would have been like had I not been chosen to join this family I have. God's hand has been on my life for all these years and I recognize the importance my family has played in shaping who I am today. I love you all... more than you will ever know.

I'm looking forward to a new year... new challenges, new surprises... I eagerly anticipate a new year of memories with my children, my friends and my family. I pray for more wisdom and patience as I face new difficulties and I PRAY for the spirit to rejoice, even when I don't feel like it.

Lamentations 3:22-25

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;

therefore I will wait for him."
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,

to the one who seeks him;

Christmastime

2007-12-21T09:47:00.000-08:00

Here we are, less than 4 days before Christmas... I absolutely LOVE this time of year.

I'm always thrilled when the first flakes fall... always a little less thrilled when I have to get out of my driveway the next day! Nevertheless, I love snow and the winter wonderland that comes with it. My exams were finished December 13th and the very next day my children and I went out and got ourselves a REAL Christmas tree! It's been a few years since we had a real tree and I didn't realize how much I missed the smell of pine in my house. Even more so, the excitement from my kids was palpable! We trimmed the tree last saturday and had a blast doing it...

We sat down as a family the other night to watch the Nativity Story... both kids really enjoyed it. I had to laugh the next day when Isabella suggested watching a Christmas movie again and Michael said, "Not the Navigational Story again!" HAHAHA... oh my boy...

I want to extend a Happy Christmas to all friends, old and new... may your holiday be filled with joy and a renewed focus on the One who's birth we celebrate... may your New year be enriched with blessings from Him who guides and sustains you.

Love from the three of us...

Joy, Michael and Isabella

If ever there was a time for thanks.....

2007-10-06T20:55:00.000-07:00

It's Thanksgiving weekend... what better time to reflect on the things I'm most thankful for?

I am thankful for my relationship with Christ. Despite my moanings, my complaints, my self-pity, my distance, I am ever aware of my need of Him who sustains me and gives me hope. I may not know where I'm headed, but I know who steers the ship. I may feel sad, fearful, uncertain, alone, but He surrounds me and gives me peace.
I am thankful for my family... from my parents to my children, I am a blessed woman. I am blessed that my birth mother had the strength to want more for my life. I am blessed that my parents chose me to be their daughter, and although we've had our difficulties, I would not be who I am, or where I am without them. I am blessed with a loving sister, who has been my staunch supporter, my encourager, my intercessor, my friend. I am blessed with two amazing kids who daily remind me what it is to be a child, to have faith, to hope unswervingly in all things and who make me laugh more than anyone.
I am thankful for my friends. The love I feel from my dearest, to my newest friends is completely overwhelming. I thank God that he has put each and every one of you in my life. Each of you has a purpose in my life and I hope you know just how much I appreciate what you bring to my life.

Psalm 100
A psalm. For giving thanks.
1 Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.
2 Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs.
3 Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name.
5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Gratitude and thanks...

2007-09-23T18:29:00.000-07:00

Well, I figured it was time for a positive, uplifting post... I have a lot to be thankful for. Here's the short list.....
1 - my kids. I keep saying it and saying it, but it never stops being true. I LOVE my kids... they bring me more "joy" every single day of my life and I am proud to call them mine. We had a parent/teacher night last week and I got to meet their teachers. Michael's teacher couldn't say enough about him... and I quote,"I love that kid! He's so fun to have in the class, he pays attention, he volunteers and helps out all the time and he's always making me laugh! I couldn't love him more... he's been a pleasure to have and I'm looking forward to the rest of the year!" How could I be more proud??? That's my boy! Isabella's teacher said, "she is never without a smile on her face! She is a lovely girl and all the kids in the class want to sit by her, be her friend and play with her. She doesn't complain, she tries her hardest and she is so polite!" I'm pretty sure the other parents were wondering who that crazy lady dancing down the hall was! :) They're the greatest kids... I'm a blessed mama. I am honored God chose me for you!
2 - my friends. I don't know where I'd be without the support, love and encouragement of the few, but truly precious friends in my life. Old and new, I wouldn't be where I am today without any of you (and I hope you know who you are!). I value the wisdom, the advice, the support, the prayer and the love. I'm a blessed woman. I am honored to know you and call you friends.
3 - COLLEGE! Haha, now this may seem funny, but I am SO grateful to be able to attend college, fully sponsored, and be in a program I absolutely LOVE. It has given me something to look forward to, something to apply myself to and has given me a renewed confidence in my abilities to learn and in who I am as a person. Had I not been injured, I would not have this opportunity - God works everything together for good... this is proof. I'm SO excited and pray that I make the most of what I've been given.

This, hands down, has been one of the worst years of my life. Even so, I've been able to look back and see where God has been with me and how He continues to provide for me and my family. The storm's not over... on some levels, it has barely begun, but I will continue to face upward, keep my eyes on Him who sustains me and pray He gives me the strength to be the woman I'm called to be, the mother I need to be and be the friend I hope to be.

This is for Holly... :)

2007-09-12T14:06:00.000-07:00

Ok ladies... I'm posting a recipe... it's my favorite chicken recipe and it's incredibly easy to make.

Oven baked Parmesan Chicken

1/4 cup butter or margarine (I have also used Olive oil, in a pinch!)
1/2 cup all purpose flour
1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese (most times I make it now, I omit the flour and use 1 cup of parm)
2 tsp dried basil
1 tsp dried oregano
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
6 chicken breasts (I've never tried it with bone in chicken, mostly boneless, skinless)
1/3 cup of milk

Heat your oven to 400 degree. In a 3x9 baking pan, melt the butter in the oven (5 minutes or so - obviously you don't have to heat the oil, it's already liquid). Meanwhile, combine all the other ingredients, minus the chicken and the milk - a bowl or a pie plate will work for this. Dip the chicken in the milk and then coat with the parmesan mixture. Dip the chicken in the butter; place breast side up in pan. (You want to make sure both sides are dipped in the butter... makes for crispy, yummy cheese crust!)
Bake for 45-50 minutes or until chicken is fork tender and golden brown...

I usually serve with steamed veggies and potatoes, but you could easily put a marinara sauce on it and serve with pasta or rice. However you like it. :)

Enjoy!

I will never leave you...

2007-08-24T21:20:00.000-07:00

So, we're coming up on a year since that dreadful day. A year of lonely days, sad nights, teary phone calls and aching hearts for a daddy who's not here. We have come SO far and my children have been such darlings - and so strong. It's moments like this one I'm about to tell, though, that kill me, and make me realize that a father who's gone is not a father who has no impact... rather, he has more impact than even he realizes.

So, we are at the grocery store. Same store we go to EVERY time we shop. My children come 90% of the time - like I could actually grocery shop without children??? - and they know the store better than I do. I'm going up and down the aisles, my children with me and stalling some of the time to look at all the things I haven't put in my cart...
Before I see her, I hear her.
This timid little cry... I turn and my daughter isn't behind me. I back up and peek down the last aisle and as she sees me, the timid little cry turns into a full on weep. But that's not what gets me. It's her face. This look of panic - fear laced, trembling, absolutely terrified look of panic amid the tears falling down her precious face.
I rush to her side... fall on the floor of the store and pull her into my lap and rock... kissing her face, wiping her tears... cradling her, saying over and over, "I will NEVER, ever leave you! I would never leave this store without you. I would NOT leave until I had you by my side. I will never ever ever leave you... I couldn't. I will NEVER leave you."
oh my heart.
She says she knows... "I know mama, I know." But the fear... and I was out of sight mere seconds.
oh my heart.

She moves on... she's with me now and she is safe again. She wants granola bars... sure.

I'm still in that moment. Later that night while my babies sleep peacefully, I lay in bed tossing. I am standing alone... fear laced, trembling, absolutely terrified and panic-stricken... and I can't hear that voice...
"I will never leave you, or forsake you."

I know the words... but my heart can't find them. Because, I am alone.

Fernando Ortega - Give me Jesus...

In the morning when I rise, in the morning when I rise, in the morning when I rise
Give me Jesus...
Give me Jesus, give me Jesus
You can have all this world, but give me Jesus.

And when I am alone, oh when I am alone, and when I am alone,
Give me Jesus...

Give me Jesus, give me Jesus
you can have all this world, but give me Jesus.
--

the hope...

2007-08-06T20:10:00.001-07:00

It's dark.
Somehow, in the dark, I find it hard to remember a time when it wasn't black like this... a time when I could see, when things were different.
But here... now... it's just so dark.
I'm enclosed somewhere, swaddled - like in a tomb. Only not a tomb.
It's quiet.
I don't hear His voice, lately. I just hear silence.
Looking back at this time, I am sure I will be able to see the moments where He truly was there, but here, in this moment, it's quiet.
In this place, I'm still. I'm not struggling to free myself - somehow in this place of quiet darkness I feel safe.
I don't want to open my eyes.
I don't want to look at myself.
I feel alone.
His heart cries for me.
He is watching me in these moments... desperate to reach out but aware that it is necessary for me to reach out to Him.
Him, who is standing a breath away.
He sees what I don't... He sees past the dark, past the quiet. He sees beyond this...
He knows I will emerge from this - stronger, more beautiful, more in Him - I can't see that.
He can.
I'm not ready.
My heart is holding on to the smallest thread of hope possible. It's a broken heart... a heart longing for something that doesn't exist any more and maybe didn't ever exist.
But there's still hope.
Maybe not for everything I pray for... everything I long for...
But there's still hope.
Maybe life as I know it won't ever be again.
But maybe I didn't really know LIFE.
So, I sit.
In darkness.
In the quiet.
As painfully alone as I feel, I am not alone.
This thread of hope... the thread that holds my broken heart together, the thread that brings me one step closer to trust, love and life...

HE is the hope.

gratitude...

2007-05-25T06:25:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I posted! I guess I've been busy! Here's my gratitude list for the last few weeks.....

1. I'm grateful for a friend who does things I wouldn't think to do. I now have a fixed lawnmower, a fixed bike, a fixed front screen door, a fixed fan, a fixed fence..... the list goes on.
2. I'm SO grateful for my fixed bike! I can't exercise, for the most part, because of my injury but biking seems to do the least amount of stress on my ankle and leg! So, YEAH! I've been on 2 bike rides in the last 2 days at a total of 5 1/2 hours!
3. I'm grateful for fans... I live in an old house that doesn't have air conditioning... it's been really hot these last few days and I know summer is just beginning, but my fan is the best thing!
4. I'm grateful for our smallest cat... haha... now, I know this may seem funny, but our old house has ants. Our oldest cat has cataracts and can't see very well, but Michael's cat can see and can see well! He has rid the house of the ants and continues to keep us "bug free"!
5. I'm grateful for water... cool, clear, pure water. I drink so much water and I am sure I take for granted the access I have to fantastic drinking water, but I'm so very grateful. It's delicious and refreshing on these hot days!
6. I'm grateful for bike trails! Ok, so I've pretty much hated Sarnia since I moved here almost 13 years ago, and I guess I didn't realize that even Sarnia has it's beauty! We have a gorgeous waterfront with a concrete boardwalk - two blocks from my house! The bike trail continues under the twin bridges to the States, along the lake to the park and down the main road that takes us back home! It's gorgeous... the blue/green water, the breeze, the trees in the park... Isabella and I had the best day of our lives on Wednesday when we took our 3 hour ride. She wanted to keep riding! Last night the three of us had a blast, too. I am loving the bike trail!
7. I'm grateful for books that make me think... make me weep... make me learn... make me realize things about myself I didn't know or didn't want to face. I'm reading "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldridge - John wrote "Wild at Heart" - and I'm thoroughly enjoying discovering the mystery of my "woman's soul". It's fantastic.

C. S. Lewis, the Four Loves

'To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it up careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable... The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers... of love is Hell.'

1 Corinthians 13

The Way of Love

1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.
2 If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing.
3-7 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
8-10 Love never dies....
13 But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

Tagged!

2007-05-10T19:55:00.000-07:00

Ok, well... I'll see if this works! Pay attention because I just might tag YOU!!!!Each player starts with 7 random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write on their own blog about their seven things, as well as these rules. You need to tag others and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them that they have been tagged and to read your blog!

1. I too was married at 19... 5 days after my 19th birthday, to be exact!
2. I can't stand chocolate. I mean, I'll eat a piece here and there, but I can't finish an entire chocolate bar... it's too much!
3. I don't bite my fingernails... I bite my skin... the calloused skin around my nails. I've been biting them since I was 5 or so... I have tried to stop MANY times!
4. I can read a book in 5 hours. Any book. Try me. It's a crazy thing. I can answer questions about what I read - it's not like I'm skipping half the book. I READ... :)
5. I hate closet clutter! Ok, so unlike Amy, I could walk over clutter every single day but if my towels aren't folded EXACTLY the same way and if my clothes aren't folded (underwear included!) neatly, I can't sleep. I have a sickness. But if Amy and I lived together, we'd be PERFECT!
6. I am afraid of heights - when I'm at the bottom. I can't walk downtown Toronto and look up. Perch me on top of any building and I could sit at the edge with my feet dangling down, but one look up the side of a tall building and I'm wobbling!
7. I have been on the back of a motorcycle going 160 kms/hour... without a helmet. I KNOW! The thought of my daughter doing such things makes me sick! I was a crazy young girl...

Ok... now the tricky part! I tag Barbara, Roxanne, Shari and Jen.

Shane and Shane - Yearn

2007-05-10T01:03:00.001-07:00

This is where I'm at today. I don't have anything inspirational or thrilling to post, so I thought I'd post this and give you a moment of worship... a moment to soak in the Presence...
Enjoy

Praise, praise, PRAISE!

2007-04-27T14:56:00.001-07:00

Two posts in one day! I know, it seems odd but I couldn't go the day without sharing my most excellent praise report!

Our beloved, ferocious, protective dog loves to go in the car. He loves the wind in his face, the excitement of the ride - I do drive a pretty mean car! - and the time spent with me. I have taken my dog on many a car ride and have left him in the car unattended for well over 1/2 an hour, a time or two. I will speak of a particular time on April 7th when my friend begged me to let the dog come for a ride to the store to buy a broom. I didn't really want to take him but she insisted, so off we went to Zehrs. We parked, got out, locked the door and started to walk in when Gromit decides he's going to cry... he whines and cries and I laughed because he's never pulled that stunt before. We keep on, knowing we'll only be a few moments. After all, we're just here for a broom! Bought the broom, came back out and not 5 minutes had passed. We all piled in the car and drove on home, happy dog in the back.
The next day while I was searching the car for laundry - doesn't everyone have laundry in their car??? - I noticed something that made me sick. My dog must've been VERY distressed... he must've been VERY angry... he must've had a pair of scissors in the back seat!!! He had chewed through TWO of the shoulder straps in the back seat!!!
I screamed.
I screamed a lot.
I am sure all the dog heard was "BLAH! BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH! BLAHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Fast forward to yesterday. I am finally calling the dealer to find out how much it's going to cost to replace the strap. I'm assuming it can't cost more than $100, can it? I can't imagine.
I get John on the phone.
John is telling me I can't replace just the straps.
John says I have to replace the entire mechanism.
John is telling me it's going to cost $387 EACH.
John says that doesn't include labor!
OH LORD... (literally...) This knocks the wind out of my sails! I don't have the money in my emergency fund for this! I've already used some of my emergency money to buy drywall and a shower stall! I can't afford this!
I call the 4 wreckers John tells me to try and no one has anything to tell me. One man says they crush the car with the back seatbelt mechanism's in them because they don't sell SMALL PARTS.
I am sitting on my couch. I think to myself, "what if I call my insurance broker? I am sure they won't cover it, but if I don't ask, I'll never know."
So I pick up my phone and call Terry. She laughs when she hears what my *%&&$^# dog has done and says she hasn't heard of anyone putting through a claim like mine but she'll call the company and see what they say. She's going to call me back.
I hang up and put my head in my hands.
"Lord, I can't afford this. I can't deal with this. You're going to have to deal with this. Please, Lord... deal with this for me. I can't do this on my own. Please take care of this."
Terry calls back.
She says, "they're going to cover the charges."
I feel like screaming!
So, this means I'll have to pay the $500 deductible, right? ($500 is better than $900!)
She says, "no, it's not a collision so you'll be taking this out of your comprehensible. You'll only have to pay $100 after the work is complete."

GOD IS AMAZING! I am SO grateful to my God for taking over in this situation and for revealing to me that He IS there, and He IS working in my life. Praise, praise, PRAISE!

Matthew 7:7-11
"Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?

Mr. Grounded!

2007-04-27T08:19:00.000-07:00

I was making dinner last night and Isabella was helping me unload the dishwasher and set the table. Michael was in his room doing his reading (he has to read for 1/2 an hour every night in English) and sulking because he wasn't allowed to see his friend next door... he was grounded Tuesday night for lying.

So, I'm making dinner and Isabella and I are having a lovely mama/daughter chat ("I love lipgloss, mama, don't you? I think it makes your lips look SO fluffy!", "I agree, Isabella... that glitter on your lips is SO beautiful!") and as I'm finishing up with dinner, I call up for Michael to come down.

Nothing.

"Michael, it's dinnertime! Please wash up and come down!"

Nothing.

"MICHAEL! Did you hear me? Come for dinner!"

Nothing.

Isabella looks at me and says, "I'll get him, mama." So I say okay and up she goes.

This is what I hear from the landing upstairs... "Get downstairs, Mr. Grounded! it's dinnertime and mama has been calling you!!!"

I can hardly contain myself, I'm laughing SO hard. Isabella comes back down with this look of utter satisfaction and with one hand on her hip, she poses in this very take-charge sort of way and says, "well, I took care of that!"

I'm still laughing!

Oceans will part...

2007-04-24T15:52:00.000-07:00

I just had to share this song - it has been my dwelling place today... I hope you love the lyrics and that they speak to you as they have to me.

Oceans will part
(Hillsongs Live: Mighty to Save)

If my heart has grown cold, there Your love will unfold
as You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
when I'm blind to my way, there Your spirit will pray
as You open my eyes to the work of Your hand...

Oceans will part, Nations come
at the whisper of Your call
Hope will rise, glory shown,
in my life Your will be done.

Present suffering may pass, Lord Your mercy will last
as you open my eyes to the work of your hand
and my heart will find praise, I delight in Your way
as you open my eyes to the work of Your hand...

Jesus, open my eyes to the work of Your hand...
Oceans will part, Nations come at the whisper of Your call...
HOPE WILL RISE, GLORY SHINE,
in my life Your will be done...

Oh that this would be my hearts cry... I feel so many different emotions these days and while I feel pain and guilt and shame, I feel HOPE... I pray for hope and I believe my Lord has a plan and a purpose for my life and for the life of "him". God, touch his heart. Soften his heart to acknowledge You and Your call in his life. Oh the man he could be if he could only trust you... oh the wife I could be if I could only trust You.
Oh Lord... forgive me...
Whatever the outcome... whatever the journey, I look to You to sustain me...

Isaiah 40:27-31 (the message)
Why would you ever complain, O Jacob(O Joy),
or, whine, Israel (Joy), saying,
"God has lost track of me.
He doesn't care what happens to me"?
Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?
God doesn't come and go. God lasts.
He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath.
And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,
they walk and don't lag behind.

from God...

2007-04-23T11:17:00.000-07:00

This is a song (I think) that God gave me this weekend as I wept.

3 am..
I awake to hear her tears, another bad dream
I call out, "come here love, and let me hold you,"
I wrap my arms around her
Swaying slow, I draw in and kiss her face
and wipe away the tears,

"Love,
I will never leave, you are in my heart
I loved you long before I knew you
You belong - you were meant to be
and you will never ever be alone."

3 am..
I'm awake, alone in tears
another sleepless night
I cry out, "Lord I need to feel You now,
come wrap Your arms around me.."
Swaying slow, He draws close to kiss my face
and wipe away my tears,

"Love,
I will never leave, you are in My heart
I knew your name from the beginning of time,
you belong - you were meant to be
and you will never ever be alone."

I just think it's so incredible that my name has been on the hearts of my friends here. Clearly it's been on my heart and really believe God wants to reveal more to me and I pray I open my heart to Him and let Him guide me.

Psalm 139:23 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts...

Psalm 143:4-12 - a desperate cry...

2007-04-20T07:38:00.000-07:00

4 I am losing all hope;
I am paralyzed with fear.
5 I remember the days of old.
I ponder all your great works
and think about what you have done.
6 I lift my hands to you in prayer.
I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.

7 Come quickly, Lord, and answer me,
for my depression deepens.
Don’t turn away from me,
or I will die.
8 Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
for I am trusting you.
Show me where to walk,
for I give myself to you.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, Lord;
I run to you to hide me.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God.
May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
on a firm footing.
11 For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life.
Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
12 In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies
and destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.

Today I want to feel... I want to not be numb... I want to KNOW His presence is here and that I'm not abandoned. I feel surrounded in darkness and I'm treading water but I'm tired..... so tired. God, please....

"Holy, You are still Holy even when the darkness surrounds my life,
Sovereign, You are still sovereign even when confusion has blinded my eyes,
Lord I don't deserve Your kind affection,
my unbelief has kept me from Your touch,
I want my life to be a true reflection of Your love,
And so I come into Your chambers and I dance at Your feet, Lord
You are my Saviour and I'm at Your mercy
All that has been in my life up to now
belongs to You, for You are still holy."

Rita Springer

thankful...

2007-04-16T11:51:00.000-07:00

My children are the "joy" of my life! I am SO thankful that God chose me to raise these energetic, adorable kids. Michael the lionheart... he is so strong and silent. He's a warrior and a shepherd. He has such kindness in his heart, it brings me to tears. He is loving and considerate and all boy! I can't imagine a life without my son. Isabella the princess... doesn't care who's looking, she'll spin and dance and curtsy her way through her life. She is a blessing and reminds me of how it felt to be a little girl... so full of dreams and hopes and knowing how precious it felt to be a girl. Isabella takes care of everyone... she brings me water in the morning so I can take my meds... she feeds the animals without being asked... she is always ready to stand on the stool and do my dishes for me. Her heart is tender and I pray she gathers strength from God for the journey ahead. I pray they both grow to lean on God and trust His protection and purpose for their lives. I pray I have the strength to continue being a mom they can look up to, a mom they can come to... a mom that relies on her God to carry her through the toughest times, and praises her way through the good and the bad.

Deuteronomy 6:6-7 (The Message)

6-9 Write these commandments that I've given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street; talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night. Tie them on your hands and foreheads as a reminder; inscribe them on the doorposts of your homes and on your city gates.

God, thank you for the blessing of my children. Let me always trust in the knowledge that You are in control and that You will work all things out to the glory of Your name.

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

the answers:

2007-04-13T11:16:00.000-07:00

1. False - Amy and I met in grade 10... age 15... we've been best friends ever since!
2. False - I was born in Alton, Illinois - 4 hours south of Chicago
3. False - I really can't stand ice cream! Only sherberts...
4. False - my favorite color is green... any shade!
5. True - I am 5'8"
6. True - I play violin... since age 7
7. False - I'm a beach baby... Amy knows it!
8. True - I do walk and talk in my sleep!
9. True - I was adopted in Chicago while my parents were working for a mission organization.
10. True - I have, in fact, watched the Sound of Music 154 times. I've also watched Anne of Green Gables 87 times!

Hopefully you all know me a little better now! I'm impressed though!

a little about me...

2007-04-13T07:33:00.000-07:00

Okay... since most of you don't know me very well, I thought I'd play Roxanne's game and give you a few questions about moi!

True or False?
1. I have been best friend's with Amy since grade 3
2. I was born in Toronto
3. I LOVE ice cream
4. My favorite color is orange
5. I am 5'8"
6. I play the violin
7. I prefer downhill skiing to laying on a beach
8. I walk and talk in my sleep
9. I was adopted
10. I have watched the Sound of Music over 150 times

Good luck!
(Amy, you're not allowed to play! You know me too well!)

Keep moving forward...

2007-04-11T09:52:00.000-07:00

I took my kids to see the movie "Meet the Robinson's" on Monday night and I was pleasantly surprised at how great it was. It was about a little boy who invented things and lived in an orphanage. Without giving too much away, he invents something to help him find the memory of his mother. He is brought to the future, only to find out his future might be in danger and realizes he needs to make some different choices in the present so his future holds all it's meant to. He's given a piece of advice from someone in the future who says, "keep moving forward". He tends to get discouraged by the inventions that don't work and he gets frustrated, but this advice helps him to realize that despite his mistakes, his future can hold all he dreams of and more if he just "keeps moving forward."
The next morning, my daughter wakes up rather sullen. She's weepy when I say she has to get dressed and even more weepy when I say she can't wear a dress. I (thinking that this is yet another "princess" moment and she's just crying because she wants her way) head downstairs and tell Isabella to make her way down for breakfast when she's done with her tears.
A few minutes later she comes down, tears still in her eyes and a very red face. She sits down on the couch and I tell her she needs to get dressed because there's breakfast to have and then she must get ready for the bus. Almost before I'm done telling her this, she breaks down again. I go over to her, bring her onto my lap and say "honey, what is this? Tell me what's going on! This isn't about the dress, is it?"
Isabella, mustering up enough strength to tell me, says "I just want my dad..."
Ugh. My heart drops.
"Did you have a bad dream again?" (There have been a few in the last month... always the same thing.)
She nods and then says, "Dad and I were shopping, and he left me."
Oh my heart...
"Love, Daddy would never leave you. He didn't leave you. He left our home. He just isn't living here anymore. He loves you SO much. He didn't leave you."
I, of course, am crying now...
"I know it's hard, honey... but we need to get out of bed. We need to get dressed and go to school and do all the things we always did. We're sad, and that's okay but we still need to do all those things. We can't just be sad all the time."
Michael, at this point, has come over and is standing near. He comes closer, puts his arm around his little sister and kisses her cheek... and then he says, "Isabella, we just have to keep moving forward."
Oh my... the wisdom that comes from the mouth of this 8 year old boy. He amazes me. He's Michael the lionheart... strong as a warrior but his heart is so sweet. I love that boy.
Isabella looks at me now and says, "I love you mama... what's for breakfast?"
The tears are gone. The dream is forgotten, for now.

Oh Lord, bless these lovely children. Protect their hearts, minds and bodies. May they know Your presence daily and learn to lean on You in their times of need.

a heart to worship...

2007-04-09T10:03:00.000-07:00

I had an opportunity to sing and play piano at a Catholic/Italian funeral today. You might say, "an opportunity!?" but trust me, this was something so unexpected and lovely. I got a call from a lady who sings in a group I used to sing in. She took my place, actually, and while I know this woman, I don't know this woman. The funeral was this morning at 11 so Barbara Ann came over at 9 to run over some songs. I have not played or sang publicly since August so I was feeling quite rusty! But, as I sat at my piano and lifted my fingers to the keys, I had such anticipation... God would come. Oh, I longed for God to come... "Holy, holy, Lord God Almighty, who was and IS and IS to come... " I get that sensation in my heart... that feeling that something is coming over me... please, God... "Ever so gently, Your spirit calls to all who hear... Ever so gently, the sound of Your voice, quiet yet clear..." Oh, and it's on me... I feel the presence of God so very much. In this church I've never been in, with these people I've never met... worshiping with another who's heart is so very tender and open to God. I felt home. Oh and it's been SO long since I have felt it... so long since I felt the touch of God come on me as I worship. God, you have blessed me and have spoken truth to me this day. I was made to worship you and I will worship you in spite of my circumstance... YOU are Lord and You know the path I'm on. Lead me, Lord... strengthen me... bring me to You... let me find You in the midst of the uncertainty and fear.

"At the foot of the Cross, where grace and mercy meet
You have shown me your love, through the death You bore for me
and You won my heart, yes You've won my heart
Now I can
Trade these ashes in for beauty, I'll wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of Mercy
I lay every burden down at the foot of the cross
At the foot of the cross where I am made complete
You have given me life through the death you bore for me...
and You won my heart... yes You've won my heart... "

I am yours. There is no other.

gratitude day...

2007-04-03T13:02:00.000-07:00

I'm a little late on the Gratitude Saturday so TODAY I am grateful!

I am thankful for spring... for being able to turn off the furnace and open the windows and have a breeze - fresh spring air - in my house.
I'm thankful for spring rain... I LOVE the smell of spring rain and the wet ground and the flowers and buds...
I'm thankful for loving children who are always telling me they love me and showing me in their little ways that they're glad I'm their mama.

Isabella came home from school today and said "Mama, did you miss me today?"
"Yes, love! I missed you!"
"Were you lonely without me?"
"A little, Isabella, but school is important."
She left me for a minute and came back with a piece of paper...
"This is for you, Mama..."
I opened it up and almost started crying. (Who am I kidding?? There were tears!)
"It's a picture of my heart... I want you to have it. I will love you for a thousand, hundred years. Don't be lonely, Mama, I'll never, ever leave you."
Gulp.
I love that heart!

I'm thankful for a heart of worship... even when I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of disappointment and hurt, I can open my heart to worship my God and feel His presence all around me.
I'm especially thankful for friends, whether new or old, who hold me in prayer and think of me during this trial. I SO appreciate the love and support and it's through your prayers and God's strength that I'm able to stand and not be shaken (too much!).

Psalm 5:11-12
11 But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;
let them sing joyful praises forever.
Spread your protection over them,
that all who love your name may be filled with joy.
12 For you bless the godly, O Lord;
you surround them with your shield of love.

the sun on my face...

2007-03-27T13:06:00.000-07:00

I'm not ashamed to say I'm a romantic. Shakespeare quoting, white dress in a flower field spinning romantic. Breathless at the sight of my love romantic. I have many memories of when I was a child, going for walks in the woods, picking flowers and laying in the grass quoting Lord Tennyson and writing in my journal by the pond (or the Lake of Shining Waters, to those who understand!). These are precious memories to me!

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;"

I was thinking of these times last night, and today while I drove to have tea with my kindred spirit friend. These moments of abandon... moments I didn't care who was watching... moments I stole when I needed to be myself in the truest form are lost to me now. Yet, as it came to mind I remembered... standing in the field with arms held wide, spinning with tears falling for some unremembered reason while the sun beat down on me with it's warmth. As I released and fell to the ground, still, as the world spun around me, I can remember opening my eyes for the briefest second... all I could see was the sun, so bright I had to close my eyes again and I lay in that moment, forgetting all my woes and basked in the sun. It's all coming back to me now... I am that girl. I am seeking moments of abandon, moments where I need to find my truest self... I am not lost. Yes, the world is spinning around and I am spinning with it, tears falling for the ache in my heart - feeling ready to release and fall to the ground. Maybe I've already fallen... maybe I'm laying in the grass feeling the world spin around me. But just as I felt the sunlight on my face then, and knew when I opened my eyes that the light would be so bright I'd have to close my eyes again, I know. That warmth I feel on my face... that closeness like warm breath on my cheek... if I open my eyes I see the Son. So bright I have to close my eyes... but He's there.

thankful...

2007-03-26T10:04:00.000-07:00

I'm thankful for spring... the hope and possibility of a fresh start.
To my children... who love me in spite of my weakness as a mother and who are constantly teaching me about life from a child's perspective. Their imagination and hope are an inspiration to me. I can't imagine my life without them.
To my family... though there are fractures and frustrations, it doesn't stop the love and support. I couldn't imagine my life without you in it and especially you, Beth. You're encouragement, your support, your sacrifice for my sake has been a lifeline I couldn't be without. God blesses me everyday with you and I pray His blessing back in your life for the things you've done for me.
To my friends... Amy, I've known you the longest and you've been around for the good, the bad and the very very ugly. You have remained constant to me and loyal even when it may have seemed I wasn't. I can't imagine my life without you in it and I can't imagine what sort of woman I'd be without your friendship, encouragement, faith and love. You daily bring to my life a sense of "home" that comforts me during storms and calm.

and to Dean... even in the unimaginable pain of this course we're on, I am thankful for the opportunity to examine my heart, uncork the bottle of aged turmoil and bring my spirit to a place of brokenness where I am free to allow God to renew my focus, restore my relationship with Him and bring me closer to the woman I was created to be.

Colossians 4:2
2 "Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart."

there are no words...

2007-03-22T20:40:00.000-07:00

Psalm 142

1 I cry out to the Lord;
I plead for the Lord’s mercy.
2 I pour out my complaints before him
and tell him all my troubles.
3 When I am overwhelmed,
you alone know the way I should turn.
Wherever I go,
my enemies have set traps for me.
4 I look for someone to come and help me,
but no one gives me a passing thought!
No one will help me;
no one cares a bit what happens to me.
5 Then I pray to you, O Lord.
I say, “You are my place of refuge.
You are all I really want in life.
6 Hear my cry,
for I am very low.
Rescue me from my persecutors,
for they are too strong for me.
7 Bring me out of prison
so I can thank you.
The godly will crowd around me,
for you are good to me.”

Pass me not...

2007-03-22T14:01:00.000-07:00

This is a song by Fernando Ortega... it has been my cry today.

"Pass me not, oh gentle Saviour,
hear my humble cry...
while on others Thou art smiling,
do not pass me by.

Let me at a throne of mercy
find a sweet relief,
kneeling there in deep contrition
help my unbelief.

Saviour, Saviour
hear my humble cry
while on others Thou art calling,
do not pass me by."

I may not know, I may not understand but I believe and hope for Your best in my life and in the lives of my children.

beast #2

2007-03-06T21:21:00.000-08:00

This beast is a lie. I get that it's a lie and yet, somehow I allow this lie to sit in my house... look me in the face and I feel inferior. This lie has the audacity to look me in the face? I, who know in my head who I belong to, allow this lie to cripple me and make me feel as though I don't belong... anywhere. This beast is so much bigger than laundry. This beast is one that makes me feel shame for things I have no control over... makes me believe that there are things I could have done, should have done differently. Makes me believe everyone is looking at me and judging me - picking me apart and pointing out all my faults behind my back. But there's something this beast of a lie doesn't know. Or maybe it does but it thinks I'm too intimidated, too spineless or weak to point it out.
This is what I know:
1 - "you may not know Me, but I know everything about you..." Psalm 139:1
2 - "I chose you when I planned creation..." Ephesians 1:11-12
3 - "My plan for your future has always been filled with hope... " Jeremiah 29:11
4 - "My thoughts towards you are as countless as the sand on the seashore..." Psalm 139:17-18
5 - "and I rejoice over you with singing..." Zephaniah 3:17
6 - "for you are My treasured possession..." Exodus 19:5
NO lie is bigger than that... and this tiny speck of the great truth in the letters from my Love is what I know to be truth. As for the posties? They'll go everywhere... on my bedside table, my bathroom mirror, my computer screen, my fridge, my steering wheel, my television. I will not allow this lie, this falsehood to destroy the hope I cling to. I will not allow this insignificant lie to destroy me, to deter me from my focus - I am a CHILD OF GOD. I belong... I was meant to be and my life has a purpose. "..for I am your greatest encourager..." (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17) "I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles..." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4) "When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you..." (Psalm 34:18)
I'm tired of feeling insignificant... alone... ashamed. I have made mistakes, believe me, but this is just part of my story. This is just part of what makes me what He wants... what brings me to Him and allows me to be broken enough for Him to heal and restore.

Take that, lie.

21 days, huh?

2007-03-05T17:02:00.000-08:00

My beast lives in the basement. He's a sneaky beast... the kind that makes you think you're in control but the minute your back is turned... WAPOW! I speak of my laundry room. I get it under control and I think "I don't need to do a load today!" So I leave it... three days later I have to use a tracking device to find the machines. How does this happen? Am I the only one this happens to? Laundry is my beast. Now, I will be the first to admit that there are SO many more beasts I could tackle but I'll be honest with you. I'm pretty spent in the "battle of the beast" department. I can only do so much... I'm only one woman and I can't be expected to enter every battle presented to me, but this is my 21 day reformation. This is the habit I want to confront right now. So, for the next 21 days (check out Cheryl's blog at 21dayreformation.blogspot.com) I am going to commit to doing one load a day. This will defeat that beast. This will find my machines! I'm starting my 21 day cycle of change a little later than the other ladies, but I'm with you! It may seem like a small, insignificant task to you, Martha, but in all fairness, he's in my basement, not yours!

Isaiah 33:2

O LORD, be gracious to me (us);
I (we) long for you.
Be my (our) strength every morning,
my (our) salvation in time of distress.

Isaiah 43:4

2007-02-19T19:01:00.000-08:00

"Others were given in exchange for you.
I traded their lives for yours
because you are precious to me.
You are honored, and I love you." (New Century Version)

"That's how much you mean to me!
That's how much I love you!
I'd sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you." (the Message)

"Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give nations in exchange for you,
and peoples in exchange for your life." (Today's New International Version)

This verse speaks to me in a way I can't even explain. There is a truth here that I am desperate to hold. I, Joy am precious and honored in God's sight. It's a humbling thought. It's a life-altering thought. BECAUSE he loves me... because HE loves me he will give nations for my life, he would sell the whole world to get ME back. This thought brings tears to my eyes... I can't contain myself. How could I possibly feel unnecessary? Unworthy? Unloved? These are the truths... I am precious. I am honored. I am loved. I am worth more than nations... more than the world. It's almost inconceivable... almost unbelievable. If I have faith for nothing else... if amid the chaos and frustration of my current journey I can hold on to only one thing, it is this. I am loved. He would do anything to have me. How can I not receive this love?

God, while I struggle to understand and comprehend this truth, I thank you for Your love... I thank you for Your patience with me and for being there when I turn around... keep bringing me in. I love Your presence. Abide in this house... in my life... in my children's lives. Only You can restore the wounded... only You can rebuild.