I.....

Thanks for this one, Amy. Very thought provoking........

i am: a mother, a daughter, a friend.
i think: there could be so much more.
i know: I am in God's hands.
i want: to have purpose.
i have: a beautiful family.
i wish: I had more patience.
i hate: betrayal.
i miss: Amy.
i fear: more than I care to admit.
i feel: conflicted.
i hear: birds.
i smell: lilacs.
i crave: affection.
i search: for the pieces that fit.
i wonder: if it will change.
i regret: not trusting in my Father's hand of guidance.
i love: kissing my kids.
i ache: constantly.
i care: about the little things.
i always: smile.
i am not: who I want to be.
i believe: in the promise of a new day.
i dance: alone.
i sing: for Him.
i don’t always: do the right thing.
i fight: for others, not for myself.
i write: because it inspires me.
i win: rarely. It feels impossible.
i lose: when I think it's impossible.
i never: understood unconditional until I became a mother.
i confuse: and distort the thoughts in my head.
i listen: to the wind.
i can usually be found: napping.
i am scared: of the dark.
i need: to be reassured.
i am happy about: being a mom.

And you?

In desperate need of a lighthouse.....

Boating is bliss. Wind in your hair, sun on your face bliss.
There's nothing quite like gliding across a lake of mirrorglass, basking in the creation around you.

Until it's no longer bliss.
Clouds roll in, lightening shatters and thunder cracks.
The once calm water suddenly turbulent and frightening.
All of the sudden, you can't see land... just the biting wind and the torrent of rain that is now falling.
Fear.
Absolute, uncontrollable fear.
There is no reason. There is no logic. All you think is "how will I get out of this? how will I survive??"

This is my storm. This boat is my life. Nothing is familiar to me. This doesn't feel like my boat. I don't recognize anything - I don't know where anything is.
There are rocks ahead. I can't see to dodge them. Everything is dark and nothing can stop the fear that creeps into my heart and lays claim to all I hold dear.
I've thrown myself to the floor, tossed a blanket over my head and hold my breath.
The water is flooding in - there are holes in my boat and it's still raining.
I'm cold. I'm scared. I'm alone.

I know of a lighthouse... of a light SO bright it would illuminate my whole world. I don't remember where it is anymore. I don't remember what direction it is. And while there is comfort in knowing it's out there somewhere, that doesn't help me on this day... in this storm.
Life is getting overwhelming. While I'm still smiling, inside I'm freaking out. Where is the lighthouse? Where's the beam of light that draws me to it and points the way through this storm?

Attitude of "spring" gratitude...

I am thankful for so many different things, but on this day I am thankful for...
-spring rain - the smell of it, the sound of it pitter-pattering on my windows, the way it's nourishing the seeds my daughter planted...
-cool breezes... thankful that I have a furnace that I can SHUT off and windows I can open for that "just cleaned" fresh air smell
-fruits and veggies - all those lovely delicacies that you can get all year round but start coming in FRESH and local!
-the promise of spring... all the new, green possibilities. New growth, new flowers, new hope, new life...

10 years ago today...

There is a lump in my throat as I write this blog today.
10 short, wonderful, overwhelming, perfect years ago today, I was contracting around the beautiful boy in my belly. My sister was driving from Toronto to be with me. It was a Monday.
I walked around the neighborhood where we lived. I was WILD with excitement at the thought of this little man who was about to enrich my life beyond anything I could imagine.
You see, I was adopted. I have a loving, wonderful family and have never wanted for anything - but I did always wish someone looked like me. God knew. He sensed the longing in my heart. He blessed me far more than I deserve when He gave me Michael.
The moment he was born, I cried, "he's here! It's Michael! He's here"! I knew he was a boy. I sensed it in my soul. I called him Michael from the moment I knew he was there. I treasured the 9+ months he was with me. I cherished the midnight feedings and the moments in silence when he had fallen asleep and I couldn't get enough of his beautiful face. I cheered him on when he started walking... I encouraged him when he cried the first day of school... I laughed as he told his baby sister about frankencelery and how God is bigger...
My boy is 10 tomorrow. No longer the chubby-cheeked toddler. No longer the babe in need of his mama's touch.
Every day is different. Every moment with my son is a moment I know I will never forget. He has brought me more joy than I can imagine. My heart is full. I am overjoyed. My cup runneth over.

I dedicate the words of this Sara Groves song to the boy who stole my heart and who continues to make me strive to be the mother he needs.

You cannot lose - Sara Groves

You will lose your baby teeth
at times you'll lose your faith in me
you will lose a lot of things
but you cannot lose my love.

You may lose your appetite
your guiding sense of wrong and right
you may lose your will to fight
but you cannot lose my love

You will lose your confidence
in times of trial, your common sense
you may lose your innocence
but you cannot lose my love

Many things can be misplaced
your very memories be erased
no matter what the time or space
you cannot lose my love.

You cannot lose... you cannot lose... you cannot lose my love.