a sleepless night...

1:57am.
Why am I awake, you ask?
So many reasons... but one very significant and heartbreaking one.
Today is October 3rd. 15 years to the day of my first date with the man I would marry.
We went to Kelseys in Belleville.
I had chicken parmigiana... he had steak. Medium. Fries. Coke.
I still have the sugar packet he used in his coffee after dinner.
This doesn't make today heartbreaking....
that I am seeing my husband today at 2pm, in a court room; he with his lawyer and I with mine.... that is heartbreaking.
How does it come to this?
15 very short years... yet full... lovely, memorable, exciting, sad, difficult, anxious, wonderful years.
But over.
Why?
How?
How do you move forward from this? How do you look at your life and recognize anything? Nothing is familiar. Nothing is as it was or as it should be.
You find yourself on the phone with the man you married... the man you don't recognize any more. You hear him saying "lets just end this... it's dragged on long enough. We should settle things and just move on", and you agree in silence, yet somehow, in the deepest part of you, you're screaming... can't you hear me? I STILL LOVE YOU! It doesn't have to be like this! Our children deserve more than this!

Silence.

Words I can't possibly say. Words I can't bring myself to utter... they wouldn't make a difference anyway.

God,
grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
(Serenity: The quality or state of being serene; clearness and calmness; quietness; stillness; peace.)
the courage to change the things I can,
(Courage: That quality of mind which enables one to encounter danger and difficulties with firmness, or without fear, or fainting of heart; valor; boldness; resolution.)
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
(Wisdom: The quality of being wise; knowledge, and the capacity to make due use of it; knowledge of the best ends and the best means; discernment and judgment; discretion; sagacity; skill; dexterity.)