But I'm so tired...

I know it's said that "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger", but I'm feeling pretty defeated these days. It has been 2 1/2 years since my husband left our home - our family, our kids, me - and although he has filed for divorce (21 months ago), we have yet to settle certain things. I'm so weary of the fight. If this were only about me, I would have given in and given up so long ago. But this isn't about me. I don't have the luxury of being single-minded in this situation. I have two very lovely, very beautiful, very smart, very wonderful children who are dependant on me. They need me to be fierce. They need me to provide for them, and to ensure that they will be provided for, from this point on.
But I'm so tired.
I struggled for 14 months with a health issue that, quite literally, drained me. Not only was I in fear of what might be wrong, I was struggling with the sheer physical drain on my entire being. I was sent to a specialist who made me feel like there was nothing the matter, and that the problem was entirely superficial. I felt like my issue wasn't important, and that it was completely within my grasp to fix what was going wrong. I'm happy to say that I have seen a second specialist, been diagnosed, been treated and am no longer experiencing that problem. God is good.
But I'm so tired.
I was, up until January of this year, a full time student, fulfilling a commitment to the Workplace Safety and Insurance Board (WSIB) to be retrained as I am unable to return to the job I had when I was permanently injured. My teachers, and my doctor, saw the need for me to take a stress leave. I have to say, this was a humiliating thing for me to accept. I needed to be the one who had it all together. I didn't want it to be known that I was falling apart... literally feeling like I was being ripped in a dozen different directions and feeling like I didn't know which way was up. I knew I needed WSIB's approval, and discussed the ramifications of my "leave" to great extent with my adjudicator. She assured me that my income through them would not be eliminated, just reduced slightly. I worked out the numbers and was satisfied that I would be able to continue paying the necessary bills and keep food on the table, so I took the leave. Five weeks ago now, I received notice from WSIB that, in actual fact, I was only eligible for $1.36/week. Oh, and not only that, but they overpaid me and I, in fact, owe them $745.00, so they can't pay me until that debt is cleared. So much for a stress leave.
But I'm so tired.
I have, for as long as I can remember, absolutely loved to sing. At the age of 5, my family of 4 sang together, acapella, and in 4 part harmony. ALL due to my mother's tenacious, determined and disciplined persistance. I am grateful to her for all the times she kept me practicing, despite my desire to be anywhere but near that piano! This love of music, of singing, has morphed itself into my walk with God... I kind of think it's what He had in mind when He created me. I can't explain what happens to me when I lift my voice in song. I am drawn to His side. I feel His presence, and that in itself is the most incredible gift. This is what I'm coming to... the point I'm trying to make. I am so tired. I am being fired at, from all angles. I believe that this time, this season, is building my character. I believe that it is strengthening me, changing me, maturing me; but mostly, I believe it's making me draw close to the One who can give me rest. I can't walk this journey alone. I can't make these life-altering decisions on my own. I can't face the man who walked out on me, on my own. My heart can't take it. My mind can't possibly make the decisions that are best for my children. I can't close my eyes at night without giving Him complete control of my life and know... REST in the fact that He knows where this is leading. He knows what is going to happen, and He's going to be beside me, holding me up, strengthening me for what lies ahead. So, despite how I feel... despite the fear, the failure and the floundering... I find myself seated at the piano, shutting out the world and immersing myself in the Presence.

I might be tired, but He's right here.

Isaiah 40:31

31 But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
~KJV