uncontainable, undeniable, unfathomable.

There is a verse posted on my blog page - a verse that speaks to me in volumes.
If I let it.
I have a hard time understanding the why.
Why me?
Why love me?

"Because you are precious to me"...

Have I not disappointed You?

"I give you honor and love you"...

Have I not failed You? Hurt You? Broken Your heart?

"I will give other people in your place; I will give other nations to save your life".


I am overwhelmed.
I am sad when I think of all the places I have looked for love; looked for approval from people who were just as damaged as I am. My heart has been torn into pieces and rather than run to the One who is jealous for me and wants only to bless me, love me and complete me in His perfect way, I run away. I run and weep and lament for my empty desire for love that can not sustain me.
Not so with Christ.
His love is tangible and deep.
His love for me is real... He is a jealous God, wanting my affection and my attention. Honoring me and loving me simply for who it is that He created... longing for me to walk forth in His plan for my life.
This is what I run from?
Why am I SO afraid?

So, I sit on my bed, face in my hands and I cry. At first I'm not sure why. The tears continue to fall as my mind reels... spinning in circles around what I know to be true, what I believe to be true and what I long to be true.
I don't want to think I am unworthy, but I do.
I don't want to think I am undeserving of His love, but I do.
I don't want to think I have sabatoged any chance of reconciliation, but I do.
I don't want to believe I have nothing to offer, but I do.
What surprises me is that God uses this moment... this place where I feel so unnecessary. He comes in that moment. He reaches out to me in that place where I feel so alone. His hands take my face and He wipes the tears.
"I love you", whispered in my ear.
This broken vessel, bruised and tired, breathes a sigh and collapses into the waiting arms of the One who loves her.
I will continue to realize how beautiful He is and how deep His love is for me. I have encountered it. I am not blind to it. Days like today make me question it - sadness looms like a rain cloud and swallows the Son for a time, but He remains.
He remains and continues to pour out His love and His blessing in my life.
He seeks me out. He longs for me.
He loves me.
Oh how He loves me.