the end of 2007...

This past year has run the gamut of emotions for me. I can honestly say I've experienced everything from sheer joy to wretching heartbreak. It seems I could experience all the emotions in any given week! Through it all, God is faithful and sustains me, despite my complaints.

I have many things to be thankful for, so please bear with me as I go through the list.

1 - I've already mentioned Him, but without God, I would have dissolved into self pity and would not have had the strength to make it through the last 16 months. God is the lifter of my soul... He's the author of my life and though my story is turning out a little different than I had planned, I know He knows what the next chapter holds and I wait with bated breath to see what new and exciting things He has in store.

2 - My children... I know I keep being thankful for them, but they truly are a "joy" in my life and I simply cannot imagine who I would be without them. I LOVE being their mama... I love waking to hear my daughter sing as she's getting ready for school. I love having my son come in my room and say, "good morning, mom. I love you today." My children are lovely. They are strong, energetic, loving kids who daily give me reasons to laugh and cry. We have a blast, we three...

3 - Amy... my dearest friend. I love you more than I could ever express. You encourage me, you challenge me, you support me and you love me. All things I'm not sure I deserve, but all things I can't possibly live without. God knew I needed you. He put you in my life and I am so very grateful for the gift of you. You are beautiful... you are strong... you are someone I wish I was more like. I absolutely love you and can't wait for yet another year of friendship. You mean the world to me.

4 - I am SO very thankful for my education. This past fall I began a two year Social Service Worker program at Lambton College. This education is paid in full by the Workplace Safety and Insurance Board. Had I not been injured at work, I would not be attending and I would not be experiencing the thrill of high marks and a program I absolutely love. I am so blessed to be able to attend college and not pay a single cent out of pocket. My injury has been a trial, but the blessings I have seen come from it are more than I can say. The confidence I have gained in 3 short months has been nothing short of miraculous and I can't wait for the next term!

5 - My family... I can never adequately express how my family blesses me. From my parents and sister, to my cousins and extended members, I have the best family. I appreciate the support, the love and the encouragement I have received from my whole family. I have loved getting to know cousins a little better in this last year and I pray that our bonds continue to grow. I can't imagine what my life would have been like had I not been chosen to join this family I have. God's hand has been on my life for all these years and I recognize the importance my family has played in shaping who I am today. I love you all... more than you will ever know.

I'm looking forward to a new year... new challenges, new surprises... I eagerly anticipate a new year of memories with my children, my friends and my family. I pray for more wisdom and patience as I face new difficulties and I PRAY for the spirit to rejoice, even when I don't feel like it.

Lamentations 3:22-25

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;

therefore I will wait for him."
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,

to the one who seeks him;

Christmastime

Here we are, less than 4 days before Christmas... I absolutely LOVE this time of year.

I'm always thrilled when the first flakes fall... always a little less thrilled when I have to get out of my driveway the next day! Nevertheless, I love snow and the winter wonderland that comes with it. My exams were finished December 13th and the very next day my children and I went out and got ourselves a REAL Christmas tree! It's been a few years since we had a real tree and I didn't realize how much I missed the smell of pine in my house. Even more so, the excitement from my kids was palpable! We trimmed the tree last saturday and had a blast doing it...

We sat down as a family the other night to watch the Nativity Story... both kids really enjoyed it. I had to laugh the next day when Isabella suggested watching a Christmas movie again and Michael said, "Not the Navigational Story again!" HAHAHA... oh my boy...

I want to extend a Happy Christmas to all friends, old and new... may your holiday be filled with joy and a renewed focus on the One who's birth we celebrate... may your New year be enriched with blessings from Him who guides and sustains you.

Love from the three of us...

Joy, Michael and Isabella

If ever there was a time for thanks.....

It's Thanksgiving weekend... what better time to reflect on the things I'm most thankful for?

I am thankful for my relationship with Christ. Despite my moanings, my complaints, my self-pity, my distance, I am ever aware of my need of Him who sustains me and gives me hope. I may not know where I'm headed, but I know who steers the ship. I may feel sad, fearful, uncertain, alone, but He surrounds me and gives me peace.
I am thankful for my family... from my parents to my children, I am a blessed woman. I am blessed that my birth mother had the strength to want more for my life. I am blessed that my parents chose me to be their daughter, and although we've had our difficulties, I would not be who I am, or where I am without them. I am blessed with a loving sister, who has been my staunch supporter, my encourager, my intercessor, my friend. I am blessed with two amazing kids who daily remind me what it is to be a child, to have faith, to hope unswervingly in all things and who make me laugh more than anyone.
I am thankful for my friends. The love I feel from my dearest, to my newest friends is completely overwhelming. I thank God that he has put each and every one of you in my life. Each of you has a purpose in my life and I hope you know just how much I appreciate what you bring to my life.

Psalm 100
A psalm. For giving thanks.
1 Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.
2 Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs.
3 Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name.
5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Gratitude and thanks...

Well, I figured it was time for a positive, uplifting post... I have a lot to be thankful for. Here's the short list.....
1 - my kids. I keep saying it and saying it, but it never stops being true. I LOVE my kids... they bring me more "joy" every single day of my life and I am proud to call them mine. We had a parent/teacher night last week and I got to meet their teachers. Michael's teacher couldn't say enough about him... and I quote,"I love that kid! He's so fun to have in the class, he pays attention, he volunteers and helps out all the time and he's always making me laugh! I couldn't love him more... he's been a pleasure to have and I'm looking forward to the rest of the year!" How could I be more proud??? That's my boy! Isabella's teacher said, "she is never without a smile on her face! She is a lovely girl and all the kids in the class want to sit by her, be her friend and play with her. She doesn't complain, she tries her hardest and she is so polite!" I'm pretty sure the other parents were wondering who that crazy lady dancing down the hall was! :) They're the greatest kids... I'm a blessed mama. I am honored God chose me for you!
2 - my friends. I don't know where I'd be without the support, love and encouragement of the few, but truly precious friends in my life. Old and new, I wouldn't be where I am today without any of you (and I hope you know who you are!). I value the wisdom, the advice, the support, the prayer and the love. I'm a blessed woman. I am honored to know you and call you friends.
3 - COLLEGE! Haha, now this may seem funny, but I am SO grateful to be able to attend college, fully sponsored, and be in a program I absolutely LOVE. It has given me something to look forward to, something to apply myself to and has given me a renewed confidence in my abilities to learn and in who I am as a person. Had I not been injured, I would not have this opportunity - God works everything together for good... this is proof. I'm SO excited and pray that I make the most of what I've been given.

This, hands down, has been one of the worst years of my life. Even so, I've been able to look back and see where God has been with me and how He continues to provide for me and my family. The storm's not over... on some levels, it has barely begun, but I will continue to face upward, keep my eyes on Him who sustains me and pray He gives me the strength to be the woman I'm called to be, the mother I need to be and be the friend I hope to be.

This is for Holly... :)

Ok ladies... I'm posting a recipe... it's my favorite chicken recipe and it's incredibly easy to make.

Oven baked Parmesan Chicken

1/4 cup butter or margarine (I have also used Olive oil, in a pinch!)
1/2 cup all purpose flour
1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese (most times I make it now, I omit the flour and use 1 cup of parm)
2 tsp dried basil
1 tsp dried oregano
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
6 chicken breasts (I've never tried it with bone in chicken, mostly boneless, skinless)
1/3 cup of milk

Heat your oven to 400 degree. In a 3x9 baking pan, melt the butter in the oven (5 minutes or so - obviously you don't have to heat the oil, it's already liquid). Meanwhile, combine all the other ingredients, minus the chicken and the milk - a bowl or a pie plate will work for this. Dip the chicken in the milk and then coat with the parmesan mixture. Dip the chicken in the butter; place breast side up in pan. (You want to make sure both sides are dipped in the butter... makes for crispy, yummy cheese crust!)
Bake for 45-50 minutes or until chicken is fork tender and golden brown...

I usually serve with steamed veggies and potatoes, but you could easily put a marinara sauce on it and serve with pasta or rice. However you like it. :)

Enjoy!

I will never leave you...

So, we're coming up on a year since that dreadful day. A year of lonely days, sad nights, teary phone calls and aching hearts for a daddy who's not here. We have come SO far and my children have been such darlings - and so strong. It's moments like this one I'm about to tell, though, that kill me, and make me realize that a father who's gone is not a father who has no impact... rather, he has more impact than even he realizes.

So, we are at the grocery store. Same store we go to EVERY time we shop. My children come 90% of the time - like I could actually grocery shop without children??? - and they know the store better than I do. I'm going up and down the aisles, my children with me and stalling some of the time to look at all the things I haven't put in my cart...
Before I see her, I hear her.
This timid little cry... I turn and my daughter isn't behind me. I back up and peek down the last aisle and as she sees me, the timid little cry turns into a full on weep. But that's not what gets me. It's her face. This look of panic - fear laced, trembling, absolutely terrified look of panic amid the tears falling down her precious face.
I rush to her side... fall on the floor of the store and pull her into my lap and rock... kissing her face, wiping her tears... cradling her, saying over and over, "I will NEVER, ever leave you! I would never leave this store without you. I would NOT leave until I had you by my side. I will never ever ever leave you... I couldn't. I will NEVER leave you."
oh my heart.
She says she knows... "I know mama, I know." But the fear... and I was out of sight mere seconds.
oh my heart.

She moves on... she's with me now and she is safe again. She wants granola bars... sure.

I'm still in that moment. Later that night while my babies sleep peacefully, I lay in bed tossing. I am standing alone... fear laced, trembling, absolutely terrified and panic-stricken... and I can't hear that voice...
"I will never leave you, or forsake you."

I know the words... but my heart can't find them. Because, I am alone.

Fernando Ortega - Give me Jesus...

In the morning when I rise, in the morning when I rise, in the morning when I rise
Give me Jesus...
Give me Jesus, give me Jesus
You can have all this world, but give me Jesus.

And when I am alone, oh when I am alone, and when I am alone,
Give me Jesus...

Give me Jesus, give me Jesus
you can have all this world, but give me Jesus.
--

the hope...

It's dark.
Somehow, in the dark, I find it hard to remember a time when it wasn't black like this... a time when I could see, when things were different.
But here... now... it's just so dark.
I'm enclosed somewhere, swaddled - like in a tomb. Only not a tomb.
It's quiet.
I don't hear His voice, lately. I just hear silence.
Looking back at this time, I am sure I will be able to see the moments where He truly was there, but here, in this moment, it's quiet.
In this place, I'm still. I'm not struggling to free myself - somehow in this place of quiet darkness I feel safe.
I don't want to open my eyes.
I don't want to look at myself.
I feel alone.
His heart cries for me.
He is watching me in these moments... desperate to reach out but aware that it is necessary for me to reach out to Him.
Him, who is standing a breath away.
He sees what I don't... He sees past the dark, past the quiet. He sees beyond this...
He knows I will emerge from this - stronger, more beautiful, more in Him - I can't see that.
He can.
I'm not ready.
My heart is holding on to the smallest thread of hope possible. It's a broken heart... a heart longing for something that doesn't exist any more and maybe didn't ever exist.
But there's still hope.
Maybe not for everything I pray for... everything I long for...
But there's still hope.
Maybe life as I know it won't ever be again.
But maybe I didn't really know LIFE.
So, I sit.
In darkness.
In the quiet.
As painfully alone as I feel, I am not alone.
This thread of hope... the thread that holds my broken heart together, the thread that brings me one step closer to trust, love and life...

HE is the hope.

gratitude...

It's been a while since I posted! I guess I've been busy! Here's my gratitude list for the last few weeks.....

1. I'm grateful for a friend who does things I wouldn't think to do. I now have a fixed lawnmower, a fixed bike, a fixed front screen door, a fixed fan, a fixed fence..... the list goes on.
2. I'm SO grateful for my fixed bike! I can't exercise, for the most part, because of my injury but biking seems to do the least amount of stress on my ankle and leg! So, YEAH! I've been on 2 bike rides in the last 2 days at a total of 5 1/2 hours!
3. I'm grateful for fans... I live in an old house that doesn't have air conditioning... it's been really hot these last few days and I know summer is just beginning, but my fan is the best thing!
4. I'm grateful for our smallest cat... haha... now, I know this may seem funny, but our old house has ants. Our oldest cat has cataracts and can't see very well, but Michael's cat can see and can see well! He has rid the house of the ants and continues to keep us "bug free"!
5. I'm grateful for water... cool, clear, pure water. I drink so much water and I am sure I take for granted the access I have to fantastic drinking water, but I'm so very grateful. It's delicious and refreshing on these hot days!
6. I'm grateful for bike trails! Ok, so I've pretty much hated Sarnia since I moved here almost 13 years ago, and I guess I didn't realize that even Sarnia has it's beauty! We have a gorgeous waterfront with a concrete boardwalk - two blocks from my house! The bike trail continues under the twin bridges to the States, along the lake to the park and down the main road that takes us back home! It's gorgeous... the blue/green water, the breeze, the trees in the park... Isabella and I had the best day of our lives on Wednesday when we took our 3 hour ride. She wanted to keep riding! Last night the three of us had a blast, too. I am loving the bike trail!
7. I'm grateful for books that make me think... make me weep... make me learn... make me realize things about myself I didn't know or didn't want to face. I'm reading "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldridge - John wrote "Wild at Heart" - and I'm thoroughly enjoying discovering the mystery of my "woman's soul". It's fantastic.


C. S. Lewis, the Four Loves

'To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it up careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable... The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers... of love is Hell.'

1 Corinthians 13

The Way of Love

1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.
2 If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing.
3-7 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
8-10 Love never dies....
13 But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

Tagged!

Ok, well... I'll see if this works! Pay attention because I just might tag YOU!!!!Each player starts with 7 random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write on their own blog about their seven things, as well as these rules. You need to tag others and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them that they have been tagged and to read your blog!

1. I too was married at 19... 5 days after my 19th birthday, to be exact!
2. I can't stand chocolate. I mean, I'll eat a piece here and there, but I can't finish an entire chocolate bar... it's too much!
3. I don't bite my fingernails... I bite my skin... the calloused skin around my nails. I've been biting them since I was 5 or so... I have tried to stop MANY times!
4. I can read a book in 5 hours. Any book. Try me. It's a crazy thing. I can answer questions about what I read - it's not like I'm skipping half the book. I READ... :)
5. I hate closet clutter! Ok, so unlike Amy, I could walk over clutter every single day but if my towels aren't folded EXACTLY the same way and if my clothes aren't folded (underwear included!) neatly, I can't sleep. I have a sickness. But if Amy and I lived together, we'd be PERFECT!
6. I am afraid of heights - when I'm at the bottom. I can't walk downtown Toronto and look up. Perch me on top of any building and I could sit at the edge with my feet dangling down, but one look up the side of a tall building and I'm wobbling!
7. I have been on the back of a motorcycle going 160 kms/hour... without a helmet. I KNOW! The thought of my daughter doing such things makes me sick! I was a crazy young girl...

Ok... now the tricky part! I tag Barbara, Roxanne, Shari and Jen.

Shane and Shane - Yearn

This is where I'm at today. I don't have anything inspirational or thrilling to post, so I thought I'd post this and give you a moment of worship... a moment to soak in the Presence...
Enjoy

Praise, praise, PRAISE!

Two posts in one day! I know, it seems odd but I couldn't go the day without sharing my most excellent praise report!

Our beloved, ferocious, protective dog loves to go in the car. He loves the wind in his face, the excitement of the ride - I do drive a pretty mean car! - and the time spent with me. I have taken my dog on many a car ride and have left him in the car unattended for well over 1/2 an hour, a time or two. I will speak of a particular time on April 7th when my friend begged me to let the dog come for a ride to the store to buy a broom. I didn't really want to take him but she insisted, so off we went to Zehrs. We parked, got out, locked the door and started to walk in when Gromit decides he's going to cry... he whines and cries and I laughed because he's never pulled that stunt before. We keep on, knowing we'll only be a few moments. After all, we're just here for a broom! Bought the broom, came back out and not 5 minutes had passed. We all piled in the car and drove on home, happy dog in the back.
The next day while I was searching the car for laundry - doesn't everyone have laundry in their car??? - I noticed something that made me sick. My dog must've been VERY distressed... he must've been VERY angry... he must've had a pair of scissors in the back seat!!! He had chewed through TWO of the shoulder straps in the back seat!!!
I screamed.
I screamed a lot.
I am sure all the dog heard was "BLAH! BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH! BLAHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Fast forward to yesterday. I am finally calling the dealer to find out how much it's going to cost to replace the strap. I'm assuming it can't cost more than $100, can it? I can't imagine.
I get John on the phone.
John is telling me I can't replace just the straps.
John says I have to replace the entire mechanism.
John is telling me it's going to cost $387 EACH.
John says that doesn't include labor!
OH LORD... (literally...) This knocks the wind out of my sails! I don't have the money in my emergency fund for this! I've already used some of my emergency money to buy drywall and a shower stall! I can't afford this!
I call the 4 wreckers John tells me to try and no one has anything to tell me. One man says they crush the car with the back seatbelt mechanism's in them because they don't sell SMALL PARTS.
I am sitting on my couch. I think to myself, "what if I call my insurance broker? I am sure they won't cover it, but if I don't ask, I'll never know."
So I pick up my phone and call Terry. She laughs when she hears what my *%&&$^# dog has done and says she hasn't heard of anyone putting through a claim like mine but she'll call the company and see what they say. She's going to call me back.
I hang up and put my head in my hands.
"Lord, I can't afford this. I can't deal with this. You're going to have to deal with this. Please, Lord... deal with this for me. I can't do this on my own. Please take care of this."
Terry calls back.
She says, "they're going to cover the charges."
I feel like screaming!
So, this means I'll have to pay the $500 deductible, right? ($500 is better than $900!)
She says, "no, it's not a collision so you'll be taking this out of your comprehensible. You'll only have to pay $100 after the work is complete."

GOD IS AMAZING! I am SO grateful to my God for taking over in this situation and for revealing to me that He IS there, and He IS working in my life. Praise, praise, PRAISE!

Matthew 7:7-11
"Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?

Mr. Grounded!

I was making dinner last night and Isabella was helping me unload the dishwasher and set the table. Michael was in his room doing his reading (he has to read for 1/2 an hour every night in English) and sulking because he wasn't allowed to see his friend next door... he was grounded Tuesday night for lying.

So, I'm making dinner and Isabella and I are having a lovely mama/daughter chat ("I love lipgloss, mama, don't you? I think it makes your lips look SO fluffy!", "I agree, Isabella... that glitter on your lips is SO beautiful!") and as I'm finishing up with dinner, I call up for Michael to come down.

Nothing.

"Michael, it's dinnertime! Please wash up and come down!"

Nothing.

"MICHAEL! Did you hear me? Come for dinner!"

Nothing.

Isabella looks at me and says, "I'll get him, mama." So I say okay and up she goes.

This is what I hear from the landing upstairs... "Get downstairs, Mr. Grounded! it's dinnertime and mama has been calling you!!!"

I can hardly contain myself, I'm laughing SO hard. Isabella comes back down with this look of utter satisfaction and with one hand on her hip, she poses in this very take-charge sort of way and says, "well, I took care of that!"

I'm still laughing!

Oceans will part...

I just had to share this song - it has been my dwelling place today... I hope you love the lyrics and that they speak to you as they have to me.

Oceans will part
(Hillsongs Live: Mighty to Save)

If my heart has grown cold, there Your love will unfold
as You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
when I'm blind to my way, there Your spirit will pray
as You open my eyes to the work of Your hand...

Oceans will part, Nations come
at the whisper of Your call
Hope will rise, glory shown,
in my life Your will be done.

Present suffering may pass, Lord Your mercy will last
as you open my eyes to the work of your hand
and my heart will find praise, I delight in Your way
as you open my eyes to the work of Your hand...

Jesus, open my eyes to the work of Your hand...
Oceans will part, Nations come at the whisper of Your call...
HOPE WILL RISE, GLORY SHINE,
in my life Your will be done...

Oh that this would be my hearts cry... I feel so many different emotions these days and while I feel pain and guilt and shame, I feel HOPE... I pray for hope and I believe my Lord has a plan and a purpose for my life and for the life of "him". God, touch his heart. Soften his heart to acknowledge You and Your call in his life. Oh the man he could be if he could only trust you... oh the wife I could be if I could only trust You.
Oh Lord... forgive me...
Whatever the outcome... whatever the journey, I look to You to sustain me...


Isaiah 40:27-31 (the message)
Why would you ever complain, O Jacob(O Joy),
or, whine, Israel (Joy), saying,
"God has lost track of me.
He doesn't care what happens to me"?
Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?
God doesn't come and go. God lasts.
He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath.
And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,
they walk and don't lag behind.

from God...

This is a song (I think) that God gave me this weekend as I wept.

3 am..
I awake to hear her tears, another bad dream
I call out, "come here love, and let me hold you,"
I wrap my arms around her
Swaying slow, I draw in and kiss her face
and wipe away the tears,

"Love,
I will never leave, you are in my heart
I loved you long before I knew you
You belong - you were meant to be
and you will never ever be alone."

3 am..
I'm awake, alone in tears
another sleepless night
I cry out, "Lord I need to feel You now,
come wrap Your arms around me.."
Swaying slow, He draws close to kiss my face
and wipe away my tears,

"Love,
I will never leave, you are in My heart
I knew your name from the beginning of time,
you belong - you were meant to be
and you will never ever be alone."

I just think it's so incredible that my name has been on the hearts of my friends here. Clearly it's been on my heart and really believe God wants to reveal more to me and I pray I open my heart to Him and let Him guide me.

Psalm 139:23 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts...

Psalm 143:4-12 - a desperate cry...

4 I am losing all hope;
I am paralyzed with fear.
5 I remember the days of old.
I ponder all your great works
and think about what you have done.
6 I lift my hands to you in prayer.
I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.

7 Come quickly, Lord, and answer me,
for my depression deepens.
Don’t turn away from me,
or I will die.
8 Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
for I am trusting you.
Show me where to walk,
for I give myself to you.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, Lord;
I run to you to hide me.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God.
May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
on a firm footing.
11 For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life.
Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
12 In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies
and destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.

Today I want to feel... I want to not be numb... I want to KNOW His presence is here and that I'm not abandoned. I feel surrounded in darkness and I'm treading water but I'm tired..... so tired. God, please....

"Holy, You are still Holy even when the darkness surrounds my life,
Sovereign, You are still sovereign even when confusion has blinded my eyes,
Lord I don't deserve Your kind affection,
my unbelief has kept me from Your touch,
I want my life to be a true reflection of Your love,
And so I come into Your chambers and I dance at Your feet, Lord
You are my Saviour and I'm at Your mercy
All that has been in my life up to now
belongs to You, for You are still holy."

Rita Springer

thankful...

My children are the "joy" of my life! I am SO thankful that God chose me to raise these energetic, adorable kids. Michael the lionheart... he is so strong and silent. He's a warrior and a shepherd. He has such kindness in his heart, it brings me to tears. He is loving and considerate and all boy! I can't imagine a life without my son. Isabella the princess... doesn't care who's looking, she'll spin and dance and curtsy her way through her life. She is a blessing and reminds me of how it felt to be a little girl... so full of dreams and hopes and knowing how precious it felt to be a girl. Isabella takes care of everyone... she brings me water in the morning so I can take my meds... she feeds the animals without being asked... she is always ready to stand on the stool and do my dishes for me. Her heart is tender and I pray she gathers strength from God for the journey ahead. I pray they both grow to lean on God and trust His protection and purpose for their lives. I pray I have the strength to continue being a mom they can look up to, a mom they can come to... a mom that relies on her God to carry her through the toughest times, and praises her way through the good and the bad.

Deuteronomy 6:6-7 (The Message)

6-9 Write these commandments that I've given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street; talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night. Tie them on your hands and foreheads as a reminder; inscribe them on the doorposts of your homes and on your city gates.

God, thank you for the blessing of my children. Let me always trust in the knowledge that You are in control and that You will work all things out to the glory of Your name.


"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

the answers:

1. False - Amy and I met in grade 10... age 15... we've been best friends ever since!
2. False - I was born in Alton, Illinois - 4 hours south of Chicago
3. False - I really can't stand ice cream! Only sherberts...
4. False - my favorite color is green... any shade!
5. True - I am 5'8"
6. True - I play violin... since age 7
7. False - I'm a beach baby... Amy knows it!
8. True - I do walk and talk in my sleep!
9. True - I was adopted in Chicago while my parents were working for a mission organization.
10. True - I have, in fact, watched the Sound of Music 154 times. I've also watched Anne of Green Gables 87 times!

Hopefully you all know me a little better now! I'm impressed though!

a little about me...

Okay... since most of you don't know me very well, I thought I'd play Roxanne's game and give you a few questions about moi!

True or False?
1. I have been best friend's with Amy since grade 3
2. I was born in Toronto
3. I LOVE ice cream
4. My favorite color is orange
5. I am 5'8"
6. I play the violin
7. I prefer downhill skiing to laying on a beach
8. I walk and talk in my sleep
9. I was adopted
10. I have watched the Sound of Music over 150 times

Good luck!
(Amy, you're not allowed to play! You know me too well!)

Keep moving forward...

I took my kids to see the movie "Meet the Robinson's" on Monday night and I was pleasantly surprised at how great it was. It was about a little boy who invented things and lived in an orphanage. Without giving too much away, he invents something to help him find the memory of his mother. He is brought to the future, only to find out his future might be in danger and realizes he needs to make some different choices in the present so his future holds all it's meant to. He's given a piece of advice from someone in the future who says, "keep moving forward". He tends to get discouraged by the inventions that don't work and he gets frustrated, but this advice helps him to realize that despite his mistakes, his future can hold all he dreams of and more if he just "keeps moving forward."
The next morning, my daughter wakes up rather sullen. She's weepy when I say she has to get dressed and even more weepy when I say she can't wear a dress. I (thinking that this is yet another "princess" moment and she's just crying because she wants her way) head downstairs and tell Isabella to make her way down for breakfast when she's done with her tears.
A few minutes later she comes down, tears still in her eyes and a very red face. She sits down on the couch and I tell her she needs to get dressed because there's breakfast to have and then she must get ready for the bus. Almost before I'm done telling her this, she breaks down again. I go over to her, bring her onto my lap and say "honey, what is this? Tell me what's going on! This isn't about the dress, is it?"
Isabella, mustering up enough strength to tell me, says "I just want my dad..."
Ugh. My heart drops.
"Did you have a bad dream again?" (There have been a few in the last month... always the same thing.)
She nods and then says, "Dad and I were shopping, and he left me."
Oh my heart...
"Love, Daddy would never leave you. He didn't leave you. He left our home. He just isn't living here anymore. He loves you SO much. He didn't leave you."
I, of course, am crying now...
"I know it's hard, honey... but we need to get out of bed. We need to get dressed and go to school and do all the things we always did. We're sad, and that's okay but we still need to do all those things. We can't just be sad all the time."
Michael, at this point, has come over and is standing near. He comes closer, puts his arm around his little sister and kisses her cheek... and then he says, "Isabella, we just have to keep moving forward."
Oh my... the wisdom that comes from the mouth of this 8 year old boy. He amazes me. He's Michael the lionheart... strong as a warrior but his heart is so sweet. I love that boy.
Isabella looks at me now and says, "I love you mama... what's for breakfast?"
The tears are gone. The dream is forgotten, for now.

Oh Lord, bless these lovely children. Protect their hearts, minds and bodies. May they know Your presence daily and learn to lean on You in their times of need.

a heart to worship...

I had an opportunity to sing and play piano at a Catholic/Italian funeral today. You might say, "an opportunity!?" but trust me, this was something so unexpected and lovely. I got a call from a lady who sings in a group I used to sing in. She took my place, actually, and while I know this woman, I don't know this woman. The funeral was this morning at 11 so Barbara Ann came over at 9 to run over some songs. I have not played or sang publicly since August so I was feeling quite rusty! But, as I sat at my piano and lifted my fingers to the keys, I had such anticipation... God would come. Oh, I longed for God to come... "Holy, holy, Lord God Almighty, who was and IS and IS to come... " I get that sensation in my heart... that feeling that something is coming over me... please, God... "Ever so gently, Your spirit calls to all who hear... Ever so gently, the sound of Your voice, quiet yet clear..." Oh, and it's on me... I feel the presence of God so very much. In this church I've never been in, with these people I've never met... worshiping with another who's heart is so very tender and open to God. I felt home. Oh and it's been SO long since I have felt it... so long since I felt the touch of God come on me as I worship. God, you have blessed me and have spoken truth to me this day. I was made to worship you and I will worship you in spite of my circumstance... YOU are Lord and You know the path I'm on. Lead me, Lord... strengthen me... bring me to You... let me find You in the midst of the uncertainty and fear.

"At the foot of the Cross, where grace and mercy meet
You have shown me your love, through the death You bore for me
and You won my heart, yes You've won my heart
Now I can
Trade these ashes in for beauty, I'll wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of Mercy
I lay every burden down at the foot of the cross
At the foot of the cross where I am made complete
You have given me life through the death you bore for me...
and You won my heart... yes You've won my heart... "

I am yours. There is no other.

gratitude day...

I'm a little late on the Gratitude Saturday so TODAY I am grateful!

I am thankful for spring... for being able to turn off the furnace and open the windows and have a breeze - fresh spring air - in my house.
I'm thankful for spring rain... I LOVE the smell of spring rain and the wet ground and the flowers and buds...
I'm thankful for loving children who are always telling me they love me and showing me in their little ways that they're glad I'm their mama.

Isabella came home from school today and said "Mama, did you miss me today?"
"Yes, love! I missed you!"
"Were you lonely without me?"
"A little, Isabella, but school is important."
She left me for a minute and came back with a piece of paper...
"This is for you, Mama..."
I opened it up and almost started crying. (Who am I kidding?? There were tears!)
"It's a picture of my heart... I want you to have it. I will love you for a thousand, hundred years. Don't be lonely, Mama, I'll never, ever leave you."
Gulp.
I love that heart!

I'm thankful for a heart of worship... even when I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of disappointment and hurt, I can open my heart to worship my God and feel His presence all around me.
I'm especially thankful for friends, whether new or old, who hold me in prayer and think of me during this trial. I SO appreciate the love and support and it's through your prayers and God's strength that I'm able to stand and not be shaken (too much!).

Psalm 5:11-12
11 But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;
let them sing joyful praises forever.
Spread your protection over them,
that all who love your name may be filled with joy.
12 For you bless the godly, O Lord;
you surround them with your shield of love.

the sun on my face...

I'm not ashamed to say I'm a romantic. Shakespeare quoting, white dress in a flower field spinning romantic. Breathless at the sight of my love romantic. I have many memories of when I was a child, going for walks in the woods, picking flowers and laying in the grass quoting Lord Tennyson and writing in my journal by the pond (or the Lake of Shining Waters, to those who understand!). These are precious memories to me!

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;"

I was thinking of these times last night, and today while I drove to have tea with my kindred spirit friend. These moments of abandon... moments I didn't care who was watching... moments I stole when I needed to be myself in the truest form are lost to me now. Yet, as it came to mind I remembered... standing in the field with arms held wide, spinning with tears falling for some unremembered reason while the sun beat down on me with it's warmth. As I released and fell to the ground, still, as the world spun around me, I can remember opening my eyes for the briefest second... all I could see was the sun, so bright I had to close my eyes again and I lay in that moment, forgetting all my woes and basked in the sun. It's all coming back to me now... I am that girl. I am seeking moments of abandon, moments where I need to find my truest self... I am not lost. Yes, the world is spinning around and I am spinning with it, tears falling for the ache in my heart - feeling ready to release and fall to the ground. Maybe I've already fallen... maybe I'm laying in the grass feeling the world spin around me. But just as I felt the sunlight on my face then, and knew when I opened my eyes that the light would be so bright I'd have to close my eyes again, I know. That warmth I feel on my face... that closeness like warm breath on my cheek... if I open my eyes I see the Son. So bright I have to close my eyes... but He's there.

thankful...

I'm thankful for spring... the hope and possibility of a fresh start.
To my children... who love me in spite of my weakness as a mother and who are constantly teaching me about life from a child's perspective. Their imagination and hope are an inspiration to me. I can't imagine my life without them.
To my family... though there are fractures and frustrations, it doesn't stop the love and support. I couldn't imagine my life without you in it and especially you, Beth. You're encouragement, your support, your sacrifice for my sake has been a lifeline I couldn't be without. God blesses me everyday with you and I pray His blessing back in your life for the things you've done for me.
To my friends... Amy, I've known you the longest and you've been around for the good, the bad and the very very ugly. You have remained constant to me and loyal even when it may have seemed I wasn't. I can't imagine my life without you in it and I can't imagine what sort of woman I'd be without your friendship, encouragement, faith and love. You daily bring to my life a sense of "home" that comforts me during storms and calm.

and to Dean... even in the unimaginable pain of this course we're on, I am thankful for the opportunity to examine my heart, uncork the bottle of aged turmoil and bring my spirit to a place of brokenness where I am free to allow God to renew my focus, restore my relationship with Him and bring me closer to the woman I was created to be.

Colossians 4:2
2 "Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart."

there are no words...

Psalm 142

1 I cry out to the Lord;
I plead for the Lord’s mercy.
2 I pour out my complaints before him
and tell him all my troubles.
3 When I am overwhelmed,
you alone know the way I should turn.
Wherever I go,
my enemies have set traps for me.
4 I look for someone to come and help me,
but no one gives me a passing thought!
No one will help me;
no one cares a bit what happens to me.
5 Then I pray to you, O Lord.
I say, “You are my place of refuge.
You are all I really want in life.
6 Hear my cry,
for I am very low.
Rescue me from my persecutors,
for they are too strong for me.
7 Bring me out of prison
so I can thank you.
The godly will crowd around me,
for you are good to me.”

Pass me not...

This is a song by Fernando Ortega... it has been my cry today.

"Pass me not, oh gentle Saviour,
hear my humble cry...
while on others Thou art smiling,
do not pass me by.

Let me at a throne of mercy
find a sweet relief,
kneeling there in deep contrition
help my unbelief.

Saviour, Saviour
hear my humble cry
while on others Thou art calling,
do not pass me by."

I may not know, I may not understand but I believe and hope for Your best in my life and in the lives of my children.

beast #2

This beast is a lie. I get that it's a lie and yet, somehow I allow this lie to sit in my house... look me in the face and I feel inferior. This lie has the audacity to look me in the face? I, who know in my head who I belong to, allow this lie to cripple me and make me feel as though I don't belong... anywhere. This beast is so much bigger than laundry. This beast is one that makes me feel shame for things I have no control over... makes me believe that there are things I could have done, should have done differently. Makes me believe everyone is looking at me and judging me - picking me apart and pointing out all my faults behind my back. But there's something this beast of a lie doesn't know. Or maybe it does but it thinks I'm too intimidated, too spineless or weak to point it out.
This is what I know:
1 - "you may not know Me, but I know everything about you..." Psalm 139:1
2 - "I chose you when I planned creation..." Ephesians 1:11-12
3 - "My plan for your future has always been filled with hope... " Jeremiah 29:11
4 - "My thoughts towards you are as countless as the sand on the seashore..." Psalm 139:17-18
5 - "and I rejoice over you with singing..." Zephaniah 3:17
6 - "for you are My treasured possession..." Exodus 19:5
NO lie is bigger than that... and this tiny speck of the great truth in the letters from my Love is what I know to be truth. As for the posties? They'll go everywhere... on my bedside table, my bathroom mirror, my computer screen, my fridge, my steering wheel, my television. I will not allow this lie, this falsehood to destroy the hope I cling to. I will not allow this insignificant lie to destroy me, to deter me from my focus - I am a CHILD OF GOD. I belong... I was meant to be and my life has a purpose. "..for I am your greatest encourager..." (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17) "I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles..." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4) "When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you..." (Psalm 34:18)
I'm tired of feeling insignificant... alone... ashamed. I have made mistakes, believe me, but this is just part of my story. This is just part of what makes me what He wants... what brings me to Him and allows me to be broken enough for Him to heal and restore.

Take that, lie.

21 days, huh?

My beast lives in the basement. He's a sneaky beast... the kind that makes you think you're in control but the minute your back is turned... WAPOW! I speak of my laundry room. I get it under control and I think "I don't need to do a load today!" So I leave it... three days later I have to use a tracking device to find the machines. How does this happen? Am I the only one this happens to? Laundry is my beast. Now, I will be the first to admit that there are SO many more beasts I could tackle but I'll be honest with you. I'm pretty spent in the "battle of the beast" department. I can only do so much... I'm only one woman and I can't be expected to enter every battle presented to me, but this is my 21 day reformation. This is the habit I want to confront right now. So, for the next 21 days (check out Cheryl's blog at 21dayreformation.blogspot.com) I am going to commit to doing one load a day. This will defeat that beast. This will find my machines! I'm starting my 21 day cycle of change a little later than the other ladies, but I'm with you! It may seem like a small, insignificant task to you, Martha, but in all fairness, he's in my basement, not yours!

Isaiah 33:2

O LORD, be gracious to me (us);
I (we) long for you.
Be my (our) strength every morning,
my (our) salvation in time of distress.

Isaiah 43:4

"Others were given in exchange for you.
I traded their lives for yours
because you are precious to me.
You are honored, and I love you." (New Century Version)

"That's how much you mean to me!
That's how much I love you!
I'd sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you." (the Message)

"Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give nations in exchange for you,
and peoples in exchange for your life." (Today's New International Version)

This verse speaks to me in a way I can't even explain. There is a truth here that I am desperate to hold. I, Joy am precious and honored in God's sight. It's a humbling thought. It's a life-altering thought. BECAUSE he loves me... because HE loves me he will give nations for my life, he would sell the whole world to get ME back. This thought brings tears to my eyes... I can't contain myself. How could I possibly feel unnecessary? Unworthy? Unloved? These are the truths... I am precious. I am honored. I am loved. I am worth more than nations... more than the world. It's almost inconceivable... almost unbelievable. If I have faith for nothing else... if amid the chaos and frustration of my current journey I can hold on to only one thing, it is this. I am loved. He would do anything to have me. How can I not receive this love?


God, while I struggle to understand and comprehend this truth, I thank you for Your love... I thank you for Your patience with me and for being there when I turn around... keep bringing me in. I love Your presence. Abide in this house... in my life... in my children's lives. Only You can restore the wounded... only You can rebuild.