the sun on my face...

I'm not ashamed to say I'm a romantic. Shakespeare quoting, white dress in a flower field spinning romantic. Breathless at the sight of my love romantic. I have many memories of when I was a child, going for walks in the woods, picking flowers and laying in the grass quoting Lord Tennyson and writing in my journal by the pond (or the Lake of Shining Waters, to those who understand!). These are precious memories to me!

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;"

I was thinking of these times last night, and today while I drove to have tea with my kindred spirit friend. These moments of abandon... moments I didn't care who was watching... moments I stole when I needed to be myself in the truest form are lost to me now. Yet, as it came to mind I remembered... standing in the field with arms held wide, spinning with tears falling for some unremembered reason while the sun beat down on me with it's warmth. As I released and fell to the ground, still, as the world spun around me, I can remember opening my eyes for the briefest second... all I could see was the sun, so bright I had to close my eyes again and I lay in that moment, forgetting all my woes and basked in the sun. It's all coming back to me now... I am that girl. I am seeking moments of abandon, moments where I need to find my truest self... I am not lost. Yes, the world is spinning around and I am spinning with it, tears falling for the ache in my heart - feeling ready to release and fall to the ground. Maybe I've already fallen... maybe I'm laying in the grass feeling the world spin around me. But just as I felt the sunlight on my face then, and knew when I opened my eyes that the light would be so bright I'd have to close my eyes again, I know. That warmth I feel on my face... that closeness like warm breath on my cheek... if I open my eyes I see the Son. So bright I have to close my eyes... but He's there.

thankful...

I'm thankful for spring... the hope and possibility of a fresh start.
To my children... who love me in spite of my weakness as a mother and who are constantly teaching me about life from a child's perspective. Their imagination and hope are an inspiration to me. I can't imagine my life without them.
To my family... though there are fractures and frustrations, it doesn't stop the love and support. I couldn't imagine my life without you in it and especially you, Beth. You're encouragement, your support, your sacrifice for my sake has been a lifeline I couldn't be without. God blesses me everyday with you and I pray His blessing back in your life for the things you've done for me.
To my friends... Amy, I've known you the longest and you've been around for the good, the bad and the very very ugly. You have remained constant to me and loyal even when it may have seemed I wasn't. I can't imagine my life without you in it and I can't imagine what sort of woman I'd be without your friendship, encouragement, faith and love. You daily bring to my life a sense of "home" that comforts me during storms and calm.

and to Dean... even in the unimaginable pain of this course we're on, I am thankful for the opportunity to examine my heart, uncork the bottle of aged turmoil and bring my spirit to a place of brokenness where I am free to allow God to renew my focus, restore my relationship with Him and bring me closer to the woman I was created to be.

Colossians 4:2
2 "Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart."

there are no words...

Psalm 142

1 I cry out to the Lord;
I plead for the Lord’s mercy.
2 I pour out my complaints before him
and tell him all my troubles.
3 When I am overwhelmed,
you alone know the way I should turn.
Wherever I go,
my enemies have set traps for me.
4 I look for someone to come and help me,
but no one gives me a passing thought!
No one will help me;
no one cares a bit what happens to me.
5 Then I pray to you, O Lord.
I say, “You are my place of refuge.
You are all I really want in life.
6 Hear my cry,
for I am very low.
Rescue me from my persecutors,
for they are too strong for me.
7 Bring me out of prison
so I can thank you.
The godly will crowd around me,
for you are good to me.”

Pass me not...

This is a song by Fernando Ortega... it has been my cry today.

"Pass me not, oh gentle Saviour,
hear my humble cry...
while on others Thou art smiling,
do not pass me by.

Let me at a throne of mercy
find a sweet relief,
kneeling there in deep contrition
help my unbelief.

Saviour, Saviour
hear my humble cry
while on others Thou art calling,
do not pass me by."

I may not know, I may not understand but I believe and hope for Your best in my life and in the lives of my children.

beast #2

This beast is a lie. I get that it's a lie and yet, somehow I allow this lie to sit in my house... look me in the face and I feel inferior. This lie has the audacity to look me in the face? I, who know in my head who I belong to, allow this lie to cripple me and make me feel as though I don't belong... anywhere. This beast is so much bigger than laundry. This beast is one that makes me feel shame for things I have no control over... makes me believe that there are things I could have done, should have done differently. Makes me believe everyone is looking at me and judging me - picking me apart and pointing out all my faults behind my back. But there's something this beast of a lie doesn't know. Or maybe it does but it thinks I'm too intimidated, too spineless or weak to point it out.
This is what I know:
1 - "you may not know Me, but I know everything about you..." Psalm 139:1
2 - "I chose you when I planned creation..." Ephesians 1:11-12
3 - "My plan for your future has always been filled with hope... " Jeremiah 29:11
4 - "My thoughts towards you are as countless as the sand on the seashore..." Psalm 139:17-18
5 - "and I rejoice over you with singing..." Zephaniah 3:17
6 - "for you are My treasured possession..." Exodus 19:5
NO lie is bigger than that... and this tiny speck of the great truth in the letters from my Love is what I know to be truth. As for the posties? They'll go everywhere... on my bedside table, my bathroom mirror, my computer screen, my fridge, my steering wheel, my television. I will not allow this lie, this falsehood to destroy the hope I cling to. I will not allow this insignificant lie to destroy me, to deter me from my focus - I am a CHILD OF GOD. I belong... I was meant to be and my life has a purpose. "..for I am your greatest encourager..." (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17) "I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles..." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4) "When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you..." (Psalm 34:18)
I'm tired of feeling insignificant... alone... ashamed. I have made mistakes, believe me, but this is just part of my story. This is just part of what makes me what He wants... what brings me to Him and allows me to be broken enough for Him to heal and restore.

Take that, lie.

21 days, huh?

My beast lives in the basement. He's a sneaky beast... the kind that makes you think you're in control but the minute your back is turned... WAPOW! I speak of my laundry room. I get it under control and I think "I don't need to do a load today!" So I leave it... three days later I have to use a tracking device to find the machines. How does this happen? Am I the only one this happens to? Laundry is my beast. Now, I will be the first to admit that there are SO many more beasts I could tackle but I'll be honest with you. I'm pretty spent in the "battle of the beast" department. I can only do so much... I'm only one woman and I can't be expected to enter every battle presented to me, but this is my 21 day reformation. This is the habit I want to confront right now. So, for the next 21 days (check out Cheryl's blog at 21dayreformation.blogspot.com) I am going to commit to doing one load a day. This will defeat that beast. This will find my machines! I'm starting my 21 day cycle of change a little later than the other ladies, but I'm with you! It may seem like a small, insignificant task to you, Martha, but in all fairness, he's in my basement, not yours!

Isaiah 33:2

O LORD, be gracious to me (us);
I (we) long for you.
Be my (our) strength every morning,
my (our) salvation in time of distress.