uncontainable, undeniable, unfathomable.

There is a verse posted on my blog page - a verse that speaks to me in volumes.
If I let it.
I have a hard time understanding the why.
Why me?
Why love me?

"Because you are precious to me"...

Have I not disappointed You?

"I give you honor and love you"...

Have I not failed You? Hurt You? Broken Your heart?

"I will give other people in your place; I will give other nations to save your life".


I am overwhelmed.
I am sad when I think of all the places I have looked for love; looked for approval from people who were just as damaged as I am. My heart has been torn into pieces and rather than run to the One who is jealous for me and wants only to bless me, love me and complete me in His perfect way, I run away. I run and weep and lament for my empty desire for love that can not sustain me.
Not so with Christ.
His love is tangible and deep.
His love for me is real... He is a jealous God, wanting my affection and my attention. Honoring me and loving me simply for who it is that He created... longing for me to walk forth in His plan for my life.
This is what I run from?
Why am I SO afraid?

So, I sit on my bed, face in my hands and I cry. At first I'm not sure why. The tears continue to fall as my mind reels... spinning in circles around what I know to be true, what I believe to be true and what I long to be true.
I don't want to think I am unworthy, but I do.
I don't want to think I am undeserving of His love, but I do.
I don't want to think I have sabatoged any chance of reconciliation, but I do.
I don't want to believe I have nothing to offer, but I do.
What surprises me is that God uses this moment... this place where I feel so unnecessary. He comes in that moment. He reaches out to me in that place where I feel so alone. His hands take my face and He wipes the tears.
"I love you", whispered in my ear.
This broken vessel, bruised and tired, breathes a sigh and collapses into the waiting arms of the One who loves her.
I will continue to realize how beautiful He is and how deep His love is for me. I have encountered it. I am not blind to it. Days like today make me question it - sadness looms like a rain cloud and swallows the Son for a time, but He remains.
He remains and continues to pour out His love and His blessing in my life.
He seeks me out. He longs for me.
He loves me.
Oh how He loves me.

Today's thoughts...

Outside my window: the sun is peeking through the leaves of the neighbor's tree as it hovers over their red roof.
I am thinking: procrastination really isn't all that great and I don't have Mary Poppin's magic to help me clean this house!
I am thankful for: a perfect Sunday, with the children I love, a friend I love, a camera, a waterfall and a hike, all topped off with a blue raspberry slushie - BLISS.
From the kitchen: Isabella is working her skills on the microwave, reheating some leftover KD and asking me if I want a chocolate pudding... um, YES!
I am wearing: a brown tank top and cream capri's.
I am creating: memories as I adjust the gorgeous pictures from yesterday using Picnik (it's a GREAT tool)!
I am going: no where tonight. I think there will be baths, some laundry folding and perhaps even a 9:00 bedtime for everyone! Including me!
I am reading: Jane Eyre, Colossians and lovely comments of my pictures on facebook.
I am hoping: to see God's hand in my life as it is. Surely He knows where it's leading.
I am hearing: Michael tell Isabella "that's NOT how you do it"!
Around the house: there are many little things that need doing... motivation, please!!
One of my favorite things: is time with family! July 19th with the Baumans (AND it's my birthday!) and July 27th with the Brownsons. I LOVE my families!
A few plans for the rest of the week: laundry (neverending!), biking, cleaning windows and just enjoying the summer...

A picture thought I am sharing:

"If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Rivers of living water will brim and spill out of the depths of anyone who believes in me this way, just as the Scripture says." John 7:38

What I didn't get to say

There are very few things in my life that I treasure.
Sure, I'm a packrat - I have the sugar packet that Dean used in his coffee on our first date... I have notes that Amy and I wrote back and forth in highschool... I have the first lock of hair cut from both my children's heads.
These are not things I truly treasure - of the few things that I cherish most, my family is one of the greatest.
You see, I was adopted. I have the sincere privilege of realizing how very different my life could have been. I could have been adopted by anyone. I could have stayed with my birth mother - the possibilities are endless.
God knew.
God blessed my life when he chose the family He did.
I am ever aware of the blessing of a small, intimate family.
Two parents, married 41 years this month - a testament to loyalty and perseverence.
One sister who continues to be my devout supporter and one of my dearest friends.
Beyond this, I have two uncles, two aunts, 5 cousins and so many precious memories of family gathering, meals shared, games played...

I should mention the point of this blog... I had two uncles.
My dear Uncle Omer was diagnosed in December with stage 4 Melanoma - skin cancer. Too far advanced for regular treatment, he was given a very short time to live. We attended a healing service... gathered as a family and surrounded him with our love, prayers and annointing.
He was feeling very well up until the last week of May. His downward spiral didn't last long. My parents, my sister and I went to the hospital on the 22nd of June. This strong, robust bear of an uncle was fading fast. I hugged him as he raised his arms to embrace me... I kissed his cheek and whispered "I love you, Uncle". He told me he loved me too. Our visit was short - his energy was very low. However, we met in the waiting room with the 4 of us, my aunt and my cousin Darla. We prayed together, specifically praying for a private room and within 10 minutes, we were told he was being moved. A man in a private room requested the switch. PRAISE GOD! We had the opportunity to gather around him again, sing as a family and say our goodbyes. I told him I loved him again. I found myself holding back on the things I really wanted to say.
He died the following Tuesday morning and when I got the call, I felt like my world changed. Well, it did.
My uncle meant the world to me.
This was a man who I had known since I could remember. He was the master of the bear hug. The strong, silent man who didn't display emotion or affection, but would wink at me from across the dinner table. He introduced me to turkeys... brought me into the barn where 8,000 turkeys fell silent until he "gobblegobblegobble-d" and they broke out in chorus! He gave a speech at my wedding... I don't remember what he said, but the tears he cried were proof that he loved me back. He was a master craftsman. He built me a curio cabinet for a wedding gift. Just last fall he built me a piano bench - one I will treasure.
His life made an impact on me.
His absence is a hole that will be felt for a very long time.
I know he's in heaven, song-leading an angelic choir in an energetic rendition of "All Hail the Power"... I know I will see him again.
I wish he knew how much his presence meant. I wish he knew how excited I was when our annual family reunion came around. I wish he knew how he lifted my spirits... how his hugs revived me... how much I respected and loved him.
He was a true treasure in my life.

Gratitude today...

I am humbled.

It's moments like this that I shake my head and think about all the things I am grateful for - and then I think, "how on earth could I complain??"

A family I have never met has been the subject of my fervent prayers for a few weeks now. A lovely couple, married just a year and they wait for the moment when they will lose their beautiful, almost one year old daughter. She was born with multiple heart defects, has had numerous seizures and wasn't expected to live more than a few hours after they pulled her off the machines. That was Friday. She's still here. (http://www.rnbrooks.com/)

Why do I say all this?

I am SO grateful for two very healthy, very vivacious children. I have been blessed.

I am blessed.

I am SO grateful for a roof over my head, an airconditioner in my window, food in my fridge, gas in my car, a CAR, friends who love me, education that is paid for, a phone to connect with friends I don't get to see every day, a friend nearby who has been my constant companion, my confidante, my encourager, my support, my shoulder to cry on, my babysitter, my sounding board... my family.

I am blessed.

I am blessed.

Things don't always go the way we plan. Life happens. I'm convinced that the things that happen are God's way of telling us He's more in control than we realize. He knows the plan... He wrote the plan. So today, even if it's just today, I am not going to complain. I am not going to fret. I am not going to worry.

I am going to sit back, watch my son play soccer, kiss my kids goodnight, sit on my friend's couch and watch some tv. And when I go to bed, I'm going to thank God for the blessings. Every last one of them.

Matthew 6:34

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."