Heard at my house tonight...

My kids are SO hyper - going to see Nana and Papa tomorrow, so they were granted a 10:00 pm bedtime!

Isabella: Michael, I'm going to pack our things, so let me know what you want to wear!
Michael: I'm taking my eagle shirt and these pants...
Isabella: Oh, that shirt looks SO good on you! Aren't you excited??
Michael: I can't wait!! And Isabella, we'll get to watch a movie in the car and Papa will meet us at the hotel and we'll see Nana and get to hug her!
Isabella: I love them!
Michael: and then we'll see Auntie Beth and Uncle Chip and Andrea and Timothy... I think Timmy likes me best, but that's just because I'm a boy. I'm sure he likes you, too!
Isabella: Oh, I know he loves me... Andrea is my BEST cousin!

See you tomorrow, beautiful family! We (clearly!) can't wait!!!

Thanksgiving

While the tone of my blogs has been rather morose of late, I'd like to take this opportunity to do a little reflection on the things I'm ever so grateful for....

I am a woman blessed. God saw fit to place me in a family, so rich in heritage; so steeped in His love... blessed me with a sister who ferociously loves and protects me; parents who show discipline, integrity, honor, respect and love. My extended family is a further blessing of rich characters who challenge me, encourage me, love me, and show me, in their own ways, just how remarkable God created them to be.
God is good.
God blessed me in marriage - to a man I didn't fully appreciate until he was gone. A man in whom I saw the potential to be such an instrument of God... and the father to my children.
Yes... children. My children are the blessings I have longed for... for as long as I can remember. They are my angels... gifts from God, who daily teach me things He wants me to learn. They open my eyes to see things I wouldn't be able to see on my own. They drive me to be better; to be more disciplined, more focused... they are my purpose and my desire is to be a mother that will show them God.
God is SO good.
The branches of my family tree reach to encompass the friends in my life. From a best friend who has known me through my teen years and continues to love me and enrich my life; a dear, sister-friend... one who has stood beside me, encouraged me, held me up, supported me, and without words, knows my heart... and a kindred spirit. A lovely friend I don't see as often as I'd like, but who is Diana to my Anne... the lovely, graceful, devoted, dark-haired beauty I look up to and admire.

So many things I am beyond thankful for. Thankful doesn't seem like enough.
Grateful.

Favored.

Satisfied.

"I thank my God every time I remember you."
Phil 1:3

In my head...

a sleepless night...

1:57am.
Why am I awake, you ask?
So many reasons... but one very significant and heartbreaking one.
Today is October 3rd. 15 years to the day of my first date with the man I would marry.
We went to Kelseys in Belleville.
I had chicken parmigiana... he had steak. Medium. Fries. Coke.
I still have the sugar packet he used in his coffee after dinner.
This doesn't make today heartbreaking....
that I am seeing my husband today at 2pm, in a court room; he with his lawyer and I with mine.... that is heartbreaking.
How does it come to this?
15 very short years... yet full... lovely, memorable, exciting, sad, difficult, anxious, wonderful years.
But over.
Why?
How?
How do you move forward from this? How do you look at your life and recognize anything? Nothing is familiar. Nothing is as it was or as it should be.
You find yourself on the phone with the man you married... the man you don't recognize any more. You hear him saying "lets just end this... it's dragged on long enough. We should settle things and just move on", and you agree in silence, yet somehow, in the deepest part of you, you're screaming... can't you hear me? I STILL LOVE YOU! It doesn't have to be like this! Our children deserve more than this!

Silence.

Words I can't possibly say. Words I can't bring myself to utter... they wouldn't make a difference anyway.

God,
grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
(Serenity: The quality or state of being serene; clearness and calmness; quietness; stillness; peace.)
the courage to change the things I can,
(Courage: That quality of mind which enables one to encounter danger and difficulties with firmness, or without fear, or fainting of heart; valor; boldness; resolution.)
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
(Wisdom: The quality of being wise; knowledge, and the capacity to make due use of it; knowledge of the best ends and the best means; discernment and judgment; discretion; sagacity; skill; dexterity.)

Isaiah 54:4-17

My sister recently emailed me and told me that this passage struck her as relevant for me. I read it over (as I have, many times before, I'm sure) and was absolutely floored. I continue to be overwhelmed at how much it applies to me and I'm just trying to grasp at the truth it holds. I have highlighted the things that have jumped out at me most.

4 "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.

Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.

You will forget the shame of your youth

and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
5 For your Maker is your husband—

the LORD Almighty is his name—

the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;

he is called the God of all the earth.
6 The LORD will call you back

as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—

a wife who married young,

only to be rejected," says your God.
7 "For a brief moment I abandoned you,

but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
8 In a surge of anger

I hid my face from you for a moment,

but with everlasting kindness

I will have compassion on you,"

says the LORD your Redeemer.
9 "To me this is like the days of Noah,

when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth.

So now I have sworn not to be angry with you,

never to rebuke you again.
10 Though the mountains be shaken

and the hills be removed,

yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken

nor my covenant of peace be removed,"

says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
11 "O afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,

I will build you with stones of turquoise,

your foundations with sapphires.
12 I will make your battlements of rubies,

your gates of sparkling jewels,

and all your walls of precious stones.
13 All your son(s) will be taught by the LORD,

and great will be your children's peace.
14 In righteousness you will be established:

Tyranny will be far from you;

you will have nothing to fear.

Terror will be far removed;

it will not come near you.
15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;

whoever attacks you will surrender to you.
16 "See, it is I who created the blacksmith

who fans the coals into flame

and forges a weapon fit for its work.

And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc;
17 no weapon forged against you will prevail,

and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.

This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,

and this is their vindication from me,"

declares the LORD.

Raining on the Inside...

When all goodbyes
Are said and done,
And nighttime finds you home,
Are you all right
To spend a night
Of being all alone?
And do you hide
Between the lines
Of conversations past?
A wall of words,
A heart unheard,
That hides behind a mask?

I'm raining on the inside;
My heart wells up with tears that start to pour.
I'm raining on the inside,
But then your cries of love break through,
And I fall in love with you once more.

When friends who care
Cant be there
To ease away my pain,
And peace of mind,
It's hard to find,
Like sunlight in the rain.
God sees my heart,
The deepest part,
Inside this lonely me,
And reachin in,
His love begins
To heal the heart in me.

I'm raining on the inside;
Oh, my heart wells up with tears that start to pour.
I'm raining on the inside,
But then your cries of love break through,
And I fall in love with you once more.

- Amy Grant

Somehow this day means as much - even though he's gone. How fitting, the rain on the roof and drops on the window as I look back and remember a day just like this... a white dress, friends and family, vows and a kiss.
How sad that it's over.

uncontainable, undeniable, unfathomable.

There is a verse posted on my blog page - a verse that speaks to me in volumes.
If I let it.
I have a hard time understanding the why.
Why me?
Why love me?

"Because you are precious to me"...

Have I not disappointed You?

"I give you honor and love you"...

Have I not failed You? Hurt You? Broken Your heart?

"I will give other people in your place; I will give other nations to save your life".


I am overwhelmed.
I am sad when I think of all the places I have looked for love; looked for approval from people who were just as damaged as I am. My heart has been torn into pieces and rather than run to the One who is jealous for me and wants only to bless me, love me and complete me in His perfect way, I run away. I run and weep and lament for my empty desire for love that can not sustain me.
Not so with Christ.
His love is tangible and deep.
His love for me is real... He is a jealous God, wanting my affection and my attention. Honoring me and loving me simply for who it is that He created... longing for me to walk forth in His plan for my life.
This is what I run from?
Why am I SO afraid?

So, I sit on my bed, face in my hands and I cry. At first I'm not sure why. The tears continue to fall as my mind reels... spinning in circles around what I know to be true, what I believe to be true and what I long to be true.
I don't want to think I am unworthy, but I do.
I don't want to think I am undeserving of His love, but I do.
I don't want to think I have sabatoged any chance of reconciliation, but I do.
I don't want to believe I have nothing to offer, but I do.
What surprises me is that God uses this moment... this place where I feel so unnecessary. He comes in that moment. He reaches out to me in that place where I feel so alone. His hands take my face and He wipes the tears.
"I love you", whispered in my ear.
This broken vessel, bruised and tired, breathes a sigh and collapses into the waiting arms of the One who loves her.
I will continue to realize how beautiful He is and how deep His love is for me. I have encountered it. I am not blind to it. Days like today make me question it - sadness looms like a rain cloud and swallows the Son for a time, but He remains.
He remains and continues to pour out His love and His blessing in my life.
He seeks me out. He longs for me.
He loves me.
Oh how He loves me.

Today's thoughts...

Outside my window: the sun is peeking through the leaves of the neighbor's tree as it hovers over their red roof.
I am thinking: procrastination really isn't all that great and I don't have Mary Poppin's magic to help me clean this house!
I am thankful for: a perfect Sunday, with the children I love, a friend I love, a camera, a waterfall and a hike, all topped off with a blue raspberry slushie - BLISS.
From the kitchen: Isabella is working her skills on the microwave, reheating some leftover KD and asking me if I want a chocolate pudding... um, YES!
I am wearing: a brown tank top and cream capri's.
I am creating: memories as I adjust the gorgeous pictures from yesterday using Picnik (it's a GREAT tool)!
I am going: no where tonight. I think there will be baths, some laundry folding and perhaps even a 9:00 bedtime for everyone! Including me!
I am reading: Jane Eyre, Colossians and lovely comments of my pictures on facebook.
I am hoping: to see God's hand in my life as it is. Surely He knows where it's leading.
I am hearing: Michael tell Isabella "that's NOT how you do it"!
Around the house: there are many little things that need doing... motivation, please!!
One of my favorite things: is time with family! July 19th with the Baumans (AND it's my birthday!) and July 27th with the Brownsons. I LOVE my families!
A few plans for the rest of the week: laundry (neverending!), biking, cleaning windows and just enjoying the summer...

A picture thought I am sharing:

"If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Rivers of living water will brim and spill out of the depths of anyone who believes in me this way, just as the Scripture says." John 7:38

What I didn't get to say

There are very few things in my life that I treasure.
Sure, I'm a packrat - I have the sugar packet that Dean used in his coffee on our first date... I have notes that Amy and I wrote back and forth in highschool... I have the first lock of hair cut from both my children's heads.
These are not things I truly treasure - of the few things that I cherish most, my family is one of the greatest.
You see, I was adopted. I have the sincere privilege of realizing how very different my life could have been. I could have been adopted by anyone. I could have stayed with my birth mother - the possibilities are endless.
God knew.
God blessed my life when he chose the family He did.
I am ever aware of the blessing of a small, intimate family.
Two parents, married 41 years this month - a testament to loyalty and perseverence.
One sister who continues to be my devout supporter and one of my dearest friends.
Beyond this, I have two uncles, two aunts, 5 cousins and so many precious memories of family gathering, meals shared, games played...

I should mention the point of this blog... I had two uncles.
My dear Uncle Omer was diagnosed in December with stage 4 Melanoma - skin cancer. Too far advanced for regular treatment, he was given a very short time to live. We attended a healing service... gathered as a family and surrounded him with our love, prayers and annointing.
He was feeling very well up until the last week of May. His downward spiral didn't last long. My parents, my sister and I went to the hospital on the 22nd of June. This strong, robust bear of an uncle was fading fast. I hugged him as he raised his arms to embrace me... I kissed his cheek and whispered "I love you, Uncle". He told me he loved me too. Our visit was short - his energy was very low. However, we met in the waiting room with the 4 of us, my aunt and my cousin Darla. We prayed together, specifically praying for a private room and within 10 minutes, we were told he was being moved. A man in a private room requested the switch. PRAISE GOD! We had the opportunity to gather around him again, sing as a family and say our goodbyes. I told him I loved him again. I found myself holding back on the things I really wanted to say.
He died the following Tuesday morning and when I got the call, I felt like my world changed. Well, it did.
My uncle meant the world to me.
This was a man who I had known since I could remember. He was the master of the bear hug. The strong, silent man who didn't display emotion or affection, but would wink at me from across the dinner table. He introduced me to turkeys... brought me into the barn where 8,000 turkeys fell silent until he "gobblegobblegobble-d" and they broke out in chorus! He gave a speech at my wedding... I don't remember what he said, but the tears he cried were proof that he loved me back. He was a master craftsman. He built me a curio cabinet for a wedding gift. Just last fall he built me a piano bench - one I will treasure.
His life made an impact on me.
His absence is a hole that will be felt for a very long time.
I know he's in heaven, song-leading an angelic choir in an energetic rendition of "All Hail the Power"... I know I will see him again.
I wish he knew how much his presence meant. I wish he knew how excited I was when our annual family reunion came around. I wish he knew how he lifted my spirits... how his hugs revived me... how much I respected and loved him.
He was a true treasure in my life.

Gratitude today...

I am humbled.

It's moments like this that I shake my head and think about all the things I am grateful for - and then I think, "how on earth could I complain??"

A family I have never met has been the subject of my fervent prayers for a few weeks now. A lovely couple, married just a year and they wait for the moment when they will lose their beautiful, almost one year old daughter. She was born with multiple heart defects, has had numerous seizures and wasn't expected to live more than a few hours after they pulled her off the machines. That was Friday. She's still here. (http://www.rnbrooks.com/)

Why do I say all this?

I am SO grateful for two very healthy, very vivacious children. I have been blessed.

I am blessed.

I am SO grateful for a roof over my head, an airconditioner in my window, food in my fridge, gas in my car, a CAR, friends who love me, education that is paid for, a phone to connect with friends I don't get to see every day, a friend nearby who has been my constant companion, my confidante, my encourager, my support, my shoulder to cry on, my babysitter, my sounding board... my family.

I am blessed.

I am blessed.

Things don't always go the way we plan. Life happens. I'm convinced that the things that happen are God's way of telling us He's more in control than we realize. He knows the plan... He wrote the plan. So today, even if it's just today, I am not going to complain. I am not going to fret. I am not going to worry.

I am going to sit back, watch my son play soccer, kiss my kids goodnight, sit on my friend's couch and watch some tv. And when I go to bed, I'm going to thank God for the blessings. Every last one of them.

Matthew 6:34

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

I.....

Thanks for this one, Amy. Very thought provoking........

i am: a mother, a daughter, a friend.
i think: there could be so much more.
i know: I am in God's hands.
i want: to have purpose.
i have: a beautiful family.
i wish: I had more patience.
i hate: betrayal.
i miss: Amy.
i fear: more than I care to admit.
i feel: conflicted.
i hear: birds.
i smell: lilacs.
i crave: affection.
i search: for the pieces that fit.
i wonder: if it will change.
i regret: not trusting in my Father's hand of guidance.
i love: kissing my kids.
i ache: constantly.
i care: about the little things.
i always: smile.
i am not: who I want to be.
i believe: in the promise of a new day.
i dance: alone.
i sing: for Him.
i don’t always: do the right thing.
i fight: for others, not for myself.
i write: because it inspires me.
i win: rarely. It feels impossible.
i lose: when I think it's impossible.
i never: understood unconditional until I became a mother.
i confuse: and distort the thoughts in my head.
i listen: to the wind.
i can usually be found: napping.
i am scared: of the dark.
i need: to be reassured.
i am happy about: being a mom.

And you?

In desperate need of a lighthouse.....

Boating is bliss. Wind in your hair, sun on your face bliss.
There's nothing quite like gliding across a lake of mirrorglass, basking in the creation around you.

Until it's no longer bliss.
Clouds roll in, lightening shatters and thunder cracks.
The once calm water suddenly turbulent and frightening.
All of the sudden, you can't see land... just the biting wind and the torrent of rain that is now falling.
Fear.
Absolute, uncontrollable fear.
There is no reason. There is no logic. All you think is "how will I get out of this? how will I survive??"

This is my storm. This boat is my life. Nothing is familiar to me. This doesn't feel like my boat. I don't recognize anything - I don't know where anything is.
There are rocks ahead. I can't see to dodge them. Everything is dark and nothing can stop the fear that creeps into my heart and lays claim to all I hold dear.
I've thrown myself to the floor, tossed a blanket over my head and hold my breath.
The water is flooding in - there are holes in my boat and it's still raining.
I'm cold. I'm scared. I'm alone.

I know of a lighthouse... of a light SO bright it would illuminate my whole world. I don't remember where it is anymore. I don't remember what direction it is. And while there is comfort in knowing it's out there somewhere, that doesn't help me on this day... in this storm.
Life is getting overwhelming. While I'm still smiling, inside I'm freaking out. Where is the lighthouse? Where's the beam of light that draws me to it and points the way through this storm?

Attitude of "spring" gratitude...

I am thankful for so many different things, but on this day I am thankful for...
-spring rain - the smell of it, the sound of it pitter-pattering on my windows, the way it's nourishing the seeds my daughter planted...
-cool breezes... thankful that I have a furnace that I can SHUT off and windows I can open for that "just cleaned" fresh air smell
-fruits and veggies - all those lovely delicacies that you can get all year round but start coming in FRESH and local!
-the promise of spring... all the new, green possibilities. New growth, new flowers, new hope, new life...

10 years ago today...

There is a lump in my throat as I write this blog today.
10 short, wonderful, overwhelming, perfect years ago today, I was contracting around the beautiful boy in my belly. My sister was driving from Toronto to be with me. It was a Monday.
I walked around the neighborhood where we lived. I was WILD with excitement at the thought of this little man who was about to enrich my life beyond anything I could imagine.
You see, I was adopted. I have a loving, wonderful family and have never wanted for anything - but I did always wish someone looked like me. God knew. He sensed the longing in my heart. He blessed me far more than I deserve when He gave me Michael.
The moment he was born, I cried, "he's here! It's Michael! He's here"! I knew he was a boy. I sensed it in my soul. I called him Michael from the moment I knew he was there. I treasured the 9+ months he was with me. I cherished the midnight feedings and the moments in silence when he had fallen asleep and I couldn't get enough of his beautiful face. I cheered him on when he started walking... I encouraged him when he cried the first day of school... I laughed as he told his baby sister about frankencelery and how God is bigger...
My boy is 10 tomorrow. No longer the chubby-cheeked toddler. No longer the babe in need of his mama's touch.
Every day is different. Every moment with my son is a moment I know I will never forget. He has brought me more joy than I can imagine. My heart is full. I am overjoyed. My cup runneth over.

I dedicate the words of this Sara Groves song to the boy who stole my heart and who continues to make me strive to be the mother he needs.

You cannot lose - Sara Groves

You will lose your baby teeth
at times you'll lose your faith in me
you will lose a lot of things
but you cannot lose my love.

You may lose your appetite
your guiding sense of wrong and right
you may lose your will to fight
but you cannot lose my love

You will lose your confidence
in times of trial, your common sense
you may lose your innocence
but you cannot lose my love

Many things can be misplaced
your very memories be erased
no matter what the time or space
you cannot lose my love.

You cannot lose... you cannot lose... you cannot lose my love.

Joy needs... haha!

Ok, so here are the top ten things I apparently need! OH my but I'm laughing!

1. Joy needs tragedy
2. Joy needs jokes
3. Joy needs to be freed
4. Joy needs a better understanding of the nature of evil
5. Joy needs to leave her office!!!!!!!
6. Joy needs prayer
7. Joy needs some little things
8. Joy needs to spend some serious time in Baghdad
9. Joy still needs $78,000 - AHAHAHAHAHA!
10. Joy needs you

Well, my oh my... haha... isn't that interesting!?

(Funny, mine didn't say I needed a man! Poo!)

Just for fun...

So, here goes! Learn a little something new about me!

What I was doing 10 years ago:
It was 1998 and I was two weeks away from giving birth to my son, Michael. WOW... can hardly believe it's been 10 years! Yikes! I remember being incredibly excited and could hardly wait for his birth...

Five Snacks I enjoy: (not in any kind of order!)
1. Olives, any variety
2. fruit, all kinds
3. Cheese with crackers
4. Popcorn
5. hummus and pitas

Things I would do if I were a billionaire:
1. Pay off all my bills/debt, and that of my husband
2. Pay bills/debt of my family members and close friends
3. Take a trip with Amy to Aruba
4. Travel some more with Mariah or my kids - lots I want to see!
5. Fix up my house

Five jobs that I have had: (most recent first)
1. Mommy
2. Packer (plant work - waterproof membranes for roofing!)
3. Pool store sales clerk/secretary/sales associate/stocker/gopher/water tester... etc
4. Residential counsellor in a group home for mentally challenged adults
5. Sales clerk in a clothing store

Three of my habits:
1. check email incessantly
2. folding and refolding towels and other closet items
3. singing randomly and constantly

Bad Habits...
1. sleeping in
2. not doing dishes... is that a habit??
3. not recycling... sorry Amy!

Five place I have lived:
1. Sarnia
2. Woodstock
3. Stirling
4. Bancroft
5. Chicago

Five things not many people know about me:
1. I am American
2. I was adopted
3. I love to cook and experiment in the kitchen
4. I wish I had 4 more kids
5. I have a 200+ year old violin - that I still play.

Now you! Your turn! Enjoy!

Heart cry...

Sometimes I ask God, my rock-solid God,

"Why did you let me down?

Why am I walking around in tears,

harassed by enemies?"

They're out for the kill, these

tormentors with their obscenities,

Taunting day after day,

"Where is this God of yours?"

Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?

Why are you crying the blues?

Fix my eyes on God—

soon I'll be praising again.

He puts a smile on my face.

He's my God.

~Psalm 41:9-11

The Message

Giggle of the day...

Questions posed to my kids: (Michael is nine, Isabella is 6)


Why did God make mothers?
So they could have babies.
So they could visit with their friends.

How did God make mothers?
With His magic.
With skin.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
Heart, stomach, blood, bones and veins.
Plastic

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
Because He knew you were the right one for us.
(You're SO right, Michael!)

What kind of little girl was your mom?
Vegetarian
She was "Joy".

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
She needed to ask God if he was the right one for her.
She had to pray for him.

Why did your mom marry your dad?
Because God told her he was the right one, right after she prayed.
Because she loved him.

Who's the boss at your house?
MOM - what's the point of that question???
MOM

What's the difference between moms and dads?
They are male and female... different parts.
Mom's have babies - boys can't.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
Study or work on the computer.
Read.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
If she would let me do anything I wanted!
If she put make-up on!

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
Um, no offense, mom... but maybe if you got thinner?? (HAHAHAHAHA... )
Her hair.

My kids make me laugh on a daily basis! I am so glad they're mine!

Heard over breakfast...

We had breakfast today, at my good friend's house. Mmmm... chocolate chip pancakes and bacon!
Isabella was sitting at the table with my friend, telling her how she's "reborn".
I sat down and my friend says, "reborn, huh?"
I look at Isabella and she says, "yes! When you ask Jesus to come into your heart, you get to be born all over again! Right mom?"
I say, "YES, that's right, Isabella!"
Isabella looks at my friend and says, "it's that easy! You should get born!"
(I'm giggling now - my friend is not "born all over again".)
My friend says, "I don't talk to God much, these days".
Isabella, not to be swayed, says, "Well, He's listening! Being born all over again is SO great! You should just ask Him and then you'll be all born over again and we can be friends forever!"

(a sniff and a giggle... loving my daughter SO much in that moment!)

Am I the only one?

I got inspired when I read my friend Holly's blog, so here goes...

Am I the only one who...

* LOVES the rain... the sound of it on the window, the feel of it on my skin, the smell of the air after it...
* knows every word of every line in Anne of Green Gables and still cries everytime Matthew collapses in the field and holds my breath as Gilbert walks towards Anne at sunset...
* can't listen to "Just give me Jesus" without weeping.
* climbs into my kids bed once they're asleep just so I can smell their hair and kiss their ears...
* finds something about every single day that reminds me of my dearest friend..
* remembers that fluttery feeling in the belly when the boy you love looks at you...
* cranks "High School Musical" songs and dances around the house with her kids... haha!
* savors a great cup of tea, a moment of quiet and a lavender/vanilla candle glowing in the corner...
* can quote Shakespeare and get teary reading Sonnet 116...
* can get lost in worship for hours... playing the piano, singing, listening, basking in the presence of my God...

This was fun! I can't wait to read your comments and posts! :)

A new look...

Well, after a whirlwind weekend (driving from Sarnia to Whitby, Whitby to Belleville, Belleville to Sarnia) in 24 hours, I have Amy's couches! My old couches have left the building (one resides on the front porch - yes, I am one of those people! - and the other is in the garage) and the result is a bigger room, a CLEANER room, and a piece of Amy in my house! :) I'm so excited! Thank you, Amy, for generously giving me your old couches... while they may have seemed old and decrepit to you, they are beautiful to me and they make my home look a little nicer tonight! :)

I love you dearly...

gratitide, gratitude, GRATITUDE!

This week has been a bit of an "I think I can, I think I can..." week and I'm SO over it! I just want to focus on the good stuff and reflect on how GOOD God has been to me through the storm...

- Smart, beautiful children who look past my faults as a mom and love me in spite of myself. I couldn't ask for more than what they are. I love them to bits and pieces! :)
- WONDERFUL friends who allow me to vent, encourage me when I'm down, love me always, fight with me, and pray for me. I NEED my friends and their presence in my life is a constant blessing.
- SUNSHINE! I love spring... I love the snow we had this morning and the way it's melting everywhere... the crisp breeze, pinching my cheeks and making me smile. I love, love, love this time of year. I love the joy in my children's voices as they rollerblade, play basketball and enjoy outside together. I love the mud on my dog's legs and belly... means everything is melting and it's closer and closer to summer!
- Hand-me-downs! My absolute favorite memory is sitting outside my sister's bedroom door, waiting patiently for her "junk" to be bestowed upon me as "treasure"! I love getting other people's things... that being said, I LOVE that I'm getting Amy's old couches! I love that I get to SEE my best friend tomorrow, HUG her, and spend a few hours in her house and then I get to take her couches home and SIT ON THEM! It will be like having a little piece of Amy in my house always and I like that thought! :)
- I am (strangely) grateful for anger. Now, I know how this sounds. I don't like being angry... I hate being angry. BUT... I am grateful that I am able to be angry. I'm not emotionless... I have feelings. I believe in my worth enough to be angry when I feel like an injustice is occuring. This is a GOOD thing! I'm thankful that I believe in myself enough to be angry when something is wrong. God is continually trying to remind me of my value and worth and every once in a while, I feel it and I believe it.
- I'm thankful for my God... who patiently waits with His hands outstretched, ready to take my load. He's not playing tug-o-war with me... He's just there and waiting for me. WAITING for me. Longing to take over and be my strength when I'm weak. Even though I'm still gripping and I can't quite let go, this is overwhelming to me... and His presence is something I can't live without.


Psalm 13:5-6
I've thrown myself headlong into your arms—
I'm celebrating your rescue.
I'm singing at the top of my lungs,
I'm so full of answered prayers.

The little things that break my heart...

Today is a normal day.
Nothing different from yesterday... just today. We had dinner, did homework and got ready for bed. Same thing.
I go into my daughter's room to kiss her, pray with her and love her up a little. I look down at her and her chin is quivering...
I say, "sweets, what's wrong?"
She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath as a tear rolls down her face and says...
"I miss my dad."
I kiss her forehead.
I tell her, "I'm sorry honey. I know you miss him. I miss him too. Daddy loves you very much."
"I know, mama."
Oh my darling girl...
These are the moments that break my heart... the moments where I am left shaking my head wondering how on earth he could be away from her - miss out on the bedtime kisses, the hugs, the tickle fights. Wondering how he could go even a day without hearing her 6 year old voice say "I love you daddy!"
I know I couldn't. Not even for a day.

I expected my heart to break... to keep breaking.
I hate that hers is.

"God, I don't want to hate the man who breaks my daughter's heart. Please... I don't need to understand why, I don't even need him to change, I just need to know that YOU hold her... and that you will love her with your Father's heart. And be with the man who is still a part of our family. Watch over him. Guard his heart. Guide his mind. If you will, bring him home. We love him."

10 Questions...

1. What's one thing you could do this year to increase your enjoyment of God? Spend more time with Him! I think that would increase my enjoyment of Him, greatly!
2. What's the most humanly impossible thing you will ask God to do this year? To give me wisdom to face the day, grace to handle what comes my way and "joy" in my heart, mind and countenance... I wish to live up to my name!
3. What's the single most important thing you could do to improve the quality of your family life this year? I must remember that my children are a GIFT... I want to continue to be surprised by them, proud of them, trust in them and love on them more than ever...
4. In which spiritual discipline do you most want to make progress this year, and what will you do about it? In my worship of Him who sustains me... more than just my times of worship, but my heart of worship, my desire to BE with Him and hear what He has to say to me. I want to learn to shut up and listen... what He has to say is infinitely better than anything that comes out of my mouth...
5. What is the single biggest time-waster in your life, and what will you do about it this year? Sleeping... I would dissolve into sleep and wish my life away in my bed. I want to sleep when I'm meant to, and be UP and involved in my life - I want to spend my time looking for the blessings , rather than focus on the mistakes and heartaches...
6. What is the most helpful new way you could strengthen your church? I want to be present... I want to make attendance important again and I want to be someone that is desiring fellowship. I want to not be afraid to open myself up to new people, new experiences and a new church family.
7. For whose salvation will you pray most fervently this year? I'm going to say my good friend. She has been invaluable to me and her friendship is one of the most important of my life. She has no relationship with God and I continue to pray that He might be revealed in my life and that she will long to know Him and have a relationship with Him.
8. What's the most important way you will, by God's grace, try to make this year different from last year? My attitude. I want my life to reflect the blessings I have been given and to seek the will of the One who knows my path and purpose.
9. What one thing could you do to improve your prayer life this year? Actually PRAY! With my kids, alone, daily and constantly... God has proved that nothing is too small or too big for Him to handle...
10. What single thing that you plan to do this year will matter most in ten years? In eternity? I consider parenting to be my most important and crucial responsibility. As my children grow up and continue to heal , I PRAY most fervently that God will use me to teach them the things they need most... to be honest, unselfish, loving, seeking after God, pure, self controlled and respectful.

Ten answers. Ten questions that have made me think long and hard and reflect on the things that matter in my life, now and to eternity. They have challenged me... I only hope God gives me the strength to abide in Him, trust in Him and allow Him to lead me even when I can't see the path.....


"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
"I'll get you out of any trouble.
I'll give you the best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you....."

Psalm 91 v. 14 &15